This is Annie Grace and you're listening to this naked mind podcast where without judgment,

pain or rules, we explore the role of alcohol in our lives and culture.

Hi, this is Annie Grace and this is this naked life podcast and I'm here today with Angela. Welcome, Angela. Thanks so much for being here. Hi, Annie. Thank you for having me here.

That's awesome. So why don't you just back us up and start sort of in the beginning with your your story where it all began for you.

Sure. My story is about a over a period of 30 years when I was young, I come from a divorce parents and my brother and I lived with our mom.

My dad went away. He was quite a heavy drinker, quite a violent man and he went away. We saw him occasionally, but we grew up with our mother. She was an emotionally absent mom. So I grew up really missing out on feeling accepted or feeling love.

And that kind of comes into play with my alcohol story. The first half of it anyhow. So growing up, I just never felt good enough. I was a bit bit of a recluse really went within myself.

I didn't have any friends to speak of and my only confidant was really my brother. So it was kind of him and me against the world.

And then when I turned 16, you know, things started to change. I started to come into my looks, started to boys took an interest and I was asked to go to a party.

And I went. And of course, there was a lot to drinking and we back then that was the mid to late 80s. It was all bush parties and tailgate parties in farmers fields and all kinds of alcohol.

So I don't know what I drank. I just drank a lot of it. And when I did at this party, everyone was talking to me, everyone thought I was great. I was starting to make friends.

And right away, I felt accepted. And it was something I had never felt before. And I tied it in directly with the alcohol.

So that kind of kicked off many, many, many years of binge drinking. I left home at 17.

I was kind of on people's couches, off-peasals, couches, lived in basements, sometimes had a home, sometimes didn't for about five years.

But I always had alcohol and always find a man who would give me alcohol.

So that went on for quite some time. And then I was fortunate enough to get pregnant with my son.

And so he was a great gift. And a few years later, I had my daughter. I welcomed a little girl into the world. And I was single parents for a very long time.

So when I became a mother, my priority shifted. And I started to work three jobs. I provided a home for them. I, for the first time, had home.

It was really, really hard. But I still, every, I'd say, a couple of times a month was going out with friends drinking to excess, drinking to pass out, drinking to throw up, drinking to go home with whoever would take me home.

And so I was a really horrible time in my life. But I never had alcohol in the house. My kids never saw me drink. And that went on for quite some time.

So I was, I feel like you were almost like living this double life of like really responsible mom and yeah, totally.

And what was that like inside the brain, like inside your mind, like with your thoughts?

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