I'm Natalie Lou and you're listening to the baggage reclaim sessions.

Hello hello. How are you doing?

If you're listening on the day this episode comes out, which is the 31st of May 2019,

you are listening on my eldest daughter's 12 birthday. Yes, I am the mother of a 12 year old I can

hardly believe it and she's taller than me as well. Anyway happy birthday to my

baby girl.

Now, what are we talking about today?

So, when people are struggling with a relationship, typically one where they have some level of awareness

that the person is emotionally unavailable and resisting commitment in some way shape or form, I often get asked,

why can't I get them to commit?

Why won't they commit to me?

I think it's important to note that when we think about somebody

committing to a relationship as something that we have to get out of a person,

then we already have a clue as to where a lot of things are going wrong.

Because if we see a commitment as something that we have to influence, coerce, force somebody else into doing, then we're already setting ourselves up for

our mighty big fall. It puts a lot of pressure on us as well because I think then that we make how much somebody is

willing to commit something that is tied to how worthy we are, how much effort we have put in.

Remember when I did the episode about efforting and about how we associate outcomes with efforts and so we think that the more efforts

that we put into something that that's going to dictate the outcome and that's just not true.

And so when we see commitment as this is something I've got to get out of them, something I've got

to make them do something that's like oh well I just need to get them to commit to me

we're putting ourselves at the heart of somebody else's attitudes and behavior around decision-making

...