New Year, new me. Nah. I'm fine just the way I am. Doing the things I love. Like enjoying

a latte on the bus with some music or on a walk with a friend. My only resolution is

to enjoy more of what I love. Like switching up my usual with oat, soy, almond or coconut.

All delicious non-dairy alternatives available at Starbucks. For no extra charge. While Stocks

last subject to availability. In a visit described as historic by people who overuse the word

historic, historic President Barack historic Obama visited Hiroshima last week to deliver

a speech many in the mainstream media described as historic. Hiroshima is every college student

today knows is where America did some kind of bad thing to non-white people for some reason,

probably having to do with racism. Although tens of thousands of people died in that horrific

event, many of the people who attended Obama's speech seemed to still be alive. Though by

the end of the speech it was difficult to tell. As a public service I will now redo the

text of that historic speech in full. Ladies and gentlemen and other fellow citizens of

the galaxy. When I first decided to make history by historically coming to this historic

place, I thought long and hard about what I was going to say. Should I apologize for America's

victory in World War II and the hopes of making conservative so angry they would say stupid

things that would help Hillary Clinton get elected? Or should I babble out meaningless

moralistic solemnities that would make me sound superior to ordinary people without actually

contributing anything to our understanding of either history or the real problems facing

mankind? It was a difficult decision. On the one hand, apologizing for the heroic triumphs

of my betters would be consistent with my policy of trying to lose every war America

won in the 20th century. I've already thrown away George W. Bush's victory in Iraq by

turning them at least over to ISIS, reversed Ronald Reagan's triumph over the Soviet Union

...