Eric Swalwell has ended his campaign for California governor and resigned from Congress,

saying he wants to spend more time with his family, a drunken staffer,

and the woman he has imprisoned in the uble yet in his basement.

Swalwell made his decision after several women accused him of doing what everyone knew he was doing,

but no one said he was doing, until it turned out his crappy gubernatorial

campaign might get a Republican elected in California. Swalwell said the charges that he pestered,

assaulted, and even raped women were as untrue as the charges Swalwell himself leveled against

Brett Kavanaugh, if you didn't count all the women Swalwell pestered, assaulted, and raped.

In a statement, Swalwell issued while simultaneously attempting to keep a straight face,

the former congressman said, quote,

I want to declare categorically that I never had non-consensual sex with a Chinese spy.

And when I did have sex with a Chinese spy, I not only had her consent,

but the consent of the entire Chinese Communist Party. Even then, I never once shared with a Chinese spy, I not only had her consent, but the consent of the entire

Chinese Communist Party. Even then, I never once shared with her any of the classified

information I was privy to on the House Intelligence Committee, except a few times when I might

have shouted out the occasional tidbit in the throes of ecstasy, which could have happened to

anyone because the Chinese teach their spies to do such

amazing, amazing stuff in the sack. As for the other women, I forced myself on, those assaults

were totally consensual. And sure, some of those babes might have been drunk at the time, but

it's not my fault they can't hold their roofies, unquote. Swalwell is also accused of sending

women pictures of his penis in the belief that somewhere

in our infinite multiverse with its numberless versions of reality, there exists an alternate timeline,

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