The Central Intelligence Agency has released a recruitment ad in which a CIA agent brags

that she is an intersectional cisgender millennial diagnosed with generalized anxiety order

who is unapologetically herself for some reason. This is supposed to make you think, well,

of the CIA. And I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, oh, Claven, you absurd and yet somehow

sexually irresistible master of the satirical Hardy-Harr, where do you come up with these brilliant bits of

mind-expanding parody that enliven the humdrum lives of the deplorable rabble you'd

dain't to call your audience. But no, I am not making this up. Although, clearly, you are a

deplorable rabble, or you'd be listening to something else. But the rest of it's true. The CIA

actually did make this recruitment video. Here's an excerpt. I'm a woman of color. I am a mom.

I am a cisgender millennial who's been diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder.

I am intersectional, but my existence is not a box-checking exercise. I am a walking declaration.

A woman whose inflection does not rise at the end of her sentences suggesting that a question

has been asked. I used to struggle with imposter syndrome, but at 36, I refuse to internalize,

misguided patriarchal ideas of what a woman can or should be. I am tired of feeling like I'm

supposed to apologize for the space I occupy rather than intoxicate people with my effort,

my brilliance. I stand here today a proud first-generation Latina and officer at CIA.

I am unapologetically me. Now, the CIA seemed rather sensitive about the universal ridicule

that greeted this video, and they sent a spokesman to some of the news shows to express the

opinion that many of those who laughed at the CIA may soon find that they've hanged themselves

in prison. So, to make peace between the intelligence community on the one hand and people with

actual intelligence on the other, I have decided to offer up a new script for a recruitment video

to help the CIA reclaim its vaunted reputation as a group of sinister incompetence who couldn't

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