No one will ever forget this year's Oscar ceremony because no one saw it in the first place.

The award show was a glamorous star-studded tribute to a great American art form in 1939,

but it has now become a sad gathering of self-important unknowns,

handing each other statuettes to honor the flickering emanations of their stunted inner lives

that no one watched or wants to watch, or knows the title of, or cares.

What a gallant event.

The show was so dull that the ratings dropped into negative numbers when several million

people actively unwatched it by turning it on, facing in the opposite direction, sticking

their fingers in their ears, and loudly singing the love theme from the Godfather, the last

really good American movie ever made.

Of course, the results did give rise to some tremendously important political controversies

that raged from the offices of the New York Times to the offices of the Los Angeles Times

and absolutely nowhere in between.

For instance, many staffers at these former newspapers felt strongly that some guy shouldn't

have won for his performance in one picture, but that another guy should have won for acting

in some other picture because the first guy had a different colored epidermis than the

second guy, which is very important in acting because something, something, something.

I know you all were following that exciting newsroom argument just as closely as I was,

because we're so incredibly interested in the opinions of a bunch of 25-year-old credential

faced ignoramuses who graciously took time off from pretending to care about black people

in order to whine about an art form that went out of fashion about the same time as journalistic

integrity.

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