Welcome to Nobody Told Me. I'm Jan Black. And I'm Laura Owens. Have you ever thought about what your parents did right and what they did wrong in terms of giving you the skills you needed to thrive in life.

And if you're a parent yourself, do you feel you have the tools to teach your kids how to

flourish and be happy?

Our guest on this episode is educational psychologists and bestselling author Dr. Michelle Borba,

who you may know from her appearances on the Today's show, Dr. Phil, The View, CNN, and many other shows.

And her latest book is called Thrivers, The Surprising Reasons Why Some Kids Struggle and Others Shine.

Michelle, thank you so much for joining us today.

Oh, thank you. This is a pleasure.

You've said that Thrivers are made, not just born. Is that always the case? Because you hear stories about people who've accomplished a lot without parental encouragement and thrived on their own.

Well, they're still making it on their own, though. So what we do know is there's no gene for resilience.

We know instead that it's a combination of people in their lives that have helped them become who they are and bring out their

best, but also skills that they've learned and keep practicing and practicing. So when push comes to

shove or the challenge comes up, they can use them in that heat of the moment, but also

experiences that help them thrive. So you put all those together, it's either you do it on your

own or you've got somebody to help you. Usually there's somebody out there who's at least an

anchor who says, I refuse to give up on you. Now, how do you define a thriver? Because I think maybe

that looks a little bit different for a lot of us. A thriver to me is just a kid who's facing adversity and says, I got this. They don't have to go run into mama or dad. Can you help me out? They have the internal skill compass that says, I've got this. I can do it. It's a little different to me than a resilient person because usually that

definition is kind of like a kush ball. You push it and then it comes right back exactly the way it was

before. I don't buy into that any experience doesn't slightly alter you. So you've changed a little bit.

But a thriver is really a kid who's got agency or a sense of internal control and doesn't need to rely on others.

Kids were forced into a major change during the pandemic in one way or another.

Why did some kids cope with the change in schooling and not seeing their friends better than others did?

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