Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm Bale of Jesse Thorn. This week, DNA and

DA. Zander brings the case against his twin brother, Brendan. They don't know for

certain if they're fraternal or identical twins. Zander wants to take a

Zangosity test to find the answer. Brendan is opposed. Who's right? Who's wrong?

Only one man can decide. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom

and presents an obscure cultural reference. We open on Judge John Hodgman, fat,

old, repulsive, sitting in a Hollywood restaurant across from Jesse Thorn, a

lovely Statuesque Balef. Hodgman trying to get a judging assignment, wanting to

impress him, sweats profusely. Fat, repulsive, Hodgman paces

furiously in his bedroom. He speaks into his handheld tape recorder and he says,

Judge John Hodgman, fat, repulsive, old, sits at a Hollywood restaurant with

Bale of Jesse Thorn. Bale of Jesse Thorn. Swear them in. Please rise and raise

your right hands. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but

the truth so help you God or whatever? I do. I do. Do you swear to abide by Judge

John Hodgman's ruling despite the fact that he himself, I don't know, let's say,

murdered his twin brother in cold blood. I do. I do. I don't have any evidence for

that. It's just an assertion I'm making. I'm tired. I just had a baby three days ago.

So confused. Congratulations. Thank you guys. Very well. Judge Hodgman.

Brennan and Xander, you may be seated. Congratulations, Bale of Jesse Thorn. You

have now had a third child. Yeah, three human beings. Will you mention your

child's name on the air? Would you prefer to keep your child's name secret like I do?

I don't mind mentioning my children's name. My wife hosts a parenting podcast. So

...