What up guys, this is Lisa Bilyu, your homie, and you're listening to this episode of Women of Impact

that is so beautifully honest, I just can't wait for you to hear it. Now, the one other things that breaks my heart the most is when people dismiss what they can achieve, what they can do in life because they tell themselves, I'm too old. Or you just feel like you're so lost and life is so hopeless that you don't know where to go, Or maybe a full of a graph and gill and shame around choices that you've made.

But I'm here to tell you with today's guest that we're going to show you that that does not. I repeat, that does not dictate your future and the person that you can become. And so myself and today's honored guest, my girl, the show-stopping Gami Norris is here to help you realize that you can be whoever you want to be. Now she's the bad-ass mom of Jada Pinkasmith or she's also the host of Red Table Talk and has been incredibly open and transparent about her past struggles, her teenage pregnancy, her addiction and her abuse and how she's evolved into the woman she is today. Now guys, I don't know if you know this, but Gami is 70 years old. I mean, damn, the woman looks 50, but forget about that for a second. Her mindset at the age of 50 is so damn strong. She's been absolutely clean off drugs and alcohol for over 30 years and is finally sharing her insights and her struggles of the journey she's been on and how she was able to actually make a change in her life for the better and for finally for good. Because I don't care how old you are or how young you are, what life do you want and how do you get there? Well, my girl Gami is here to help us navigate just that. Now she talks about how she was actually able to take back control of her life, peace by peace by peace, as she struggled through addiction and abuse and she describes how you can too, even if you've never been through addiction abuse guys. Her tactics of how she was able to change't be applied to anybody in any situation

with something that you're trying to stop doing. Now, she also talks about why it's so important to identify the lies that, yep, the lies that you're telling yourself that are leaving the blinders on. And you wanna know why? You maybe can't change your life, guys. And I say there is other compassion. It's because you've got the blinders on. I get it. Again, if those blinds make you feel better or proud yourself.

But let me tell you, nothing's going to make you feel worse about yourself. The new blinking? 10 years go by and you don't have the life that you want. So she just stives in and explains how to find the actually forgive yourself for all the mistakes that you've made in the past and how to let go of the shame so that you can actually use your past experiences to fuel your growth. She then talks about why it's so freaking important to not let the idea that you can't actually stop you from ever trying. And she then talks about how to keep herself from spiraling into the grip so that you can let go and actually change once and for. The truth is, you're going to me say this over and over and over and over again. Anyone can change, but you actually have to make different choices. You have to change your habits, you have to surround yourself with positive energy and do all the internal work to let go of the shame and guilt on regret that you have and commit and actually commit to showing up every day to be better right now. Now trust me that is not easy and that's exactly why I do this podcast. It isn't easy and it's going to take you time and time and time again for you to listen to these amazing guests talk about how they were able to do it. So that finally you can start taking action, changing your habits, making different decisions, and then be able to have a different life. The one that you have always wanted. So guys, that's where I show up every day. That's where you're here listening to Women of Impact. So share this. Share this episode with someone in your life that is struggling with that. We cannot make a difference if we're not willing to act differently. So share this episode. And now let's in to my girl, Gaminoris, I'm Lisa Biliw. Welcome to Women of Impact. Now looking back, because everything seems clear in hindsight, right? It's like when you're in the mess, you don't actually notice. It's like when you don't see it. You don't see the tree, amongst the forest or whatever the phrase is. What other lies do you think that you were telling yourself that in hindsight now if someone's listening that maybe you could remove the blinders from their face? Their eyes. Oh, the damage that you are doing to the people around you. Not just yourself, because your so it's, you know, additions is such a self-centered disease. That's all you're really thinking about. You're just thinking about yourself. You know, and I tried, you know, I tried to think about Jada. I tried to be conscious of what I was doing and how I was doing it, how I was getting high and trying to hide it from her. But I couldn't, I couldn't. Just the years that I was in denial of neglect as a parent. How do you process that and how does that feel? The guilt never really, it's never really, really believed. I can remember the first couple of years clean and being in the rooms and just talking about it constantly. Like every time I raised my hand, it just seems like I was trying to talk about the guilt that I felt for my daughter, you know, to the point where people were like, ah, you know, The only way to relieve that is to openly and honestly acknowledge and be accountable for that behavior and not being there as a parent and apologizing for that. And then not repeating the same behavior over again. Because apologizing and then continuing the same behavior doesn't mean a thing. And so that's what I have focused on in the past and continue to focus on is just being a better me. And that's how you heal. Because you can't change it. You can't change the damage that was done. All you, all you can do is try to be better and trying to be there for them now, you know, in whatever way that she needs me, because she's an adult now. So her need for me is different. I was going to say, I think that's extreme new brave and inspiring. and I really mean that because there's no one in the world out there. Anyone listening to this, that hasn't made a mistake period. Now there's extremes of course but regardless if you've made a mistake and you are wrong, that guilt, right? Because look, we sometimes feel guilty for things we should never feel guilty. It's just our conditioning.

Then there's other things that we feel guilty about

because we've actually shown up and done something

that wasn't kind, nice or, you know, right.

When you feel that, how do you respond?

A lot of people and I get it,

but it's an ego thing.

It's a protective mechanism to pretend

it either didn't happen to try and convince the other person, it wasn't that bad or to apologize

and pretend then just move on. You didn't do any of those. Those are the easy things and I think a lot of us, whether we want to admit it or not, that's what we do to protect our own emotions because the thing or tell ourselves we're a bad mother, we've hurt our child. Sometimes it's so painful that we don't want to feel it. So that's why I think you're brave. You're brave for feeling it.

You're brave for vocalizing it,

not pretending that it didn't happen. And then saying, I now I'm going to show up every day to try and make up for my mistake. That is so damn inspiring because again, everyone's gonna make a mistake. How do you handle it? And I think what you're doing also is, it allows you to let go with a shame.

If I vocalize and I'm able to say this was on me,

I screwed up, but I'm gonna do differently.

I can actually let go of that shame that I'm carrying in the darkness at night when I'm by myself, and I hope no one sees, I can only let that go. Yeah. And I have to say to that, it has not been an easy journey for Jada and I. And I think we tried to, we tried to make that clear on Red Table Talk. And it's still a journey for us. It's probably more challenging for me because I actually think that there have been times when Jada has been in a bit of denial or trying to, and I don't know whether it's her way of trying to relieve my guilt by maybe downplaying it a little bit, by saying, oh, but you weren't as bad as you think you were and what I went through, you know, made me the person that I am. And all of that is true. All of that is true. Everything, our life experiences, the good and the bad, help make you who you are as a human being. But, geez, people always say, you know, I wouldn't do anything differently, you know, it was part of God's plan. Okay, but if you ask me that, I'm not going to say I would do I would do it all over again. I think that I could have helped J. to be a strong person, you know, without going through addiction. That's what I would want. That's what I would want. I would not want that for myself. I would want to find a different way to be the Adrienne that I am.

I would want a different way that made Jay to be the Jay to shoot without having gone through that experience. You know, I would want it to be a better mother. That's hard. But you know what gives me so much joy?

So much joy is watching her with her children. Can I tell you she is one of the best mothers and you see it in the relationship that she has with her children. They love her so dearly. They love her so dearly and they connected with her and she is so connected to them, so entombed to who they are as human beings. And that's what I would have wished for her. Because I think children deserve that. Children deserve that. You know? And I always wonder like, how can she be this human being? How can she have this love for her children when she didn't receive it that way? But oftentimes, when you don't get what you need, then you know how to give it to someone else. Because you know what you missed. My mom was brought up in a convent with nuns, and so she was never hugged. And so she said, when I have kids, I'm gonna show them so much love and I'm gonna hug them because I never have there. But it's interesting because they did this study. I think it was actually with an alcoholic father and he had two children and they were twins. So like genetically they're exactly. One became an alcoholic and the other one never touched alcohol. And they asked the alcoholic, did you end up drinking? It's like because my father was an alcoholic. They asked the other child who never touched a drop of alcohol, why they never touched a drop of alcohol and he said because my father was an alcoholic. And so thinking about how the same parent with two different children can go in these different directions and to your point that's probably what happened with J.ada and she was like, okay, I never got this from my mum. But what I want to know is, how have you forgiven yourself? You are so beautifully honest about everything. And like I said, most people would shy away, not pretend like they would pretend it wasn't as bad and to make themselves feel better and to make the world appreciate them. But you've been so wonderfully honest. And I think that that's true. If ever there was a mistake to be made, I really hope people handle it the way that you're handling it. But how have you been able to forgive yourself because I think it's so important to let go. I think it's important to forgive yourself and not hold on to that. So have you forgiven yourself? I guess I've forgiven myself to a certain extent, but I think I just kind of put it to the side, because like you said, or like I said before, there's nothing that I can do about it. I can't change what happened in the past. I can only move forward and try to be better now. And so it's a constant, a constant growing and learning process. And that never stops. That never changes. And I think that's what I focus on. And I just try to live in the space of gratitude. And that keeps me in the here and now and moving forward. I think that's so powerful though. And whether you call it forgiveness or not, the fact that you like, look, there's nothing I can do about it. Because other people would beat themselves up day after day for the rest of their lives. It doesn't serve. You've got to, like, yes, that happened. Acknowledge it, but if you hold onto it, if you stare at that every day, it can be so toxic. It'll beat you down, right? To never be able to change and grow, and one of the most impressive things about you is your ability to change. Is your ability to say, okay, I was there,

it didn't serve me and now I'm here. So thinking even to your marriages, right? You've had four marriages. So now on your fourth one, it's like, okay, this is the love of my life. But to go through it, to not stay in a marriage that doesn't serve you is super freaking powerful because a lot of women would stay in a marriage even unhappy. So in fact, you didn't do that. to go in all honesty after the third one it's like well I love that you still believe in love

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