The following podcast is a dear media production.

Welcome to the Absolutely Not Podcast, where we do the most in the least at the same damn time.

I'm your host Heather McMahon.

Hello ladies and gentlemen and welcome to another episode of the

Absolutely Not Podcast. I'm your host Heather McMahon and how the hell are you?

I hope everyone's doing well. I'm going to go ahead and apologize for the state of my raspiness

in my voice this week. It is allergy full of fucking season here in the south.

There is no other way to say it. I went to the doctor on Saturday.

She's like, you're allergic to fun, sun, good times, bad times, dust, dander, your friend Jake's

pet snake. You'll remember that kid Jake in school who always had a fucking pet snake.

You were like, Jake's mom was never cool enough to allow it. You could never figure it out.

You were like, why does Jake have a snake? The thing always got lost from its fucking cage.

Or what do you call it? It was a cage, sort of, but it's terrarium, whatever the fuck you get the snake

in every time, every fucking time. Jake, every Monday morning, like clockwork, this kid Jake would

come into school and say, come find my snake today. They know where all thing went.

And you're like, Jake, and that snake's name was always Toby. I said it was Jake the snake,

but actually the kid's name was Jake and he had the snake. And it was always just a random,

kind of real 2002 name Toby. You know what I mean? He thought, we'll all say,

Toby, my step-dots been looking for him forever. And you're like, I feel like there's a family dynamic

in that house that needs to be worked out, but I'm only eight years old and I really, really don't

have to be in with right now to try and figure out your family's problems. But if you want me to

later, Jake, if your mom says she'll make spaghetti casserole, I'll come over and try and dissect a few

...