The Nessa Hudgens once said, a girl doesn't become a woman until she attends her very

first music festival.

Bitches, this is a very different podcast.

I am recording this currently in my parking space.

I'm about to head to Indio.

If you thought I was bipolar before, I'm sure this episode is going to validate any concerns

you had for my mental stability.

Anybody who knows me knows the following things to be major anxiety triggers for me.

One, birds, two acrylic nails, three pedestrians, four children, and five music festivals.

I mean, I hate crowds, I hate hallucinogens, and above all, I really fucking hate plastic

drinkware.

But this year I made a millennial Mitzvah project to myself to attend my very first Coachella.

So in my dreams, I would love to be the girl in Moccasins with a fucking floral head crown

on and like a weird fringe bag from a H&M.

It's just not me.

I mean, I'm neurotic as fuck.

I'm usually constipated on vacation, so crop tops are kind of not an option for me.

But this year I have optimism on my heart.

I have Xanax in my pocket.

Basically I don't die from a mental breakdown.

If I do, I'd like someone to sell all my belongings and donate them to the Bruce Jenner transition

foundation because I want to go out of hero.

...