Calling The Crisis Hotline Because No One Will Wipe Your Butthole
Distorted View Daily: NSFW Comedy, Weird News & Internet Oddities
Tim Henson
4.7 • 1.1K Ratings
🗓️ 2 February 2026
⏱️ 53 minutes
🧾️ Download transcript
Summary
🎧Episode Summary Tonight’s episode is an absolute endurance test for the human soul, featuring poop-stained underwear, unwanted love confessions, suicidal diaper tantrums, and a man willing to murder over a Pepsi. Strap in. On Today’s Show: Plus: Yearly podcast archive feeds (2004–2008 now live, more coming soon) Updates on Sideshow membership, including: New distortedview.com features […]
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Transcript
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| 0:00.0 | Tonight, a deadly affair leads to a man on the run. |
| 0:05.5 | Sex, drugs, Caribbean voodoo, a stint at a trade school learning HVAC repair, |
| 0:11.1 | a botchy ball tournament, several haircuts, skydiving, land jumping. |
| 0:16.7 | It's all coming up on today's exciting action-backed episode of Distorted View Daily. |
| 0:25.6 | Hey, freaks, it's Monday, February 2nd, 26. Coming up on the program, today, Sagittarius shout. It deals with a shart. |
| 0:33.0 | Plus, even infamous pedophile Jeffrey Epstein wanted nothing to do with Elon Musk, |
| 0:38.5 | when even the suicide hotline wants you to kill yourself, |
| 0:41.4 | and science gives us the green light to goon. |
| 0:44.2 | All coming up today. |
| 0:49.2 | Distorted View Daily proudly presents great moments in employment terminations. |
| 0:56.9 | Getting fired from the UPS store by this cuck loser fucking coward. |
| 1:02.4 | Coward cuck loser won't even fire me at the beginning of my shift. |
| 1:06.6 | Waits till the end of my shift. |
| 1:08.4 | Here he is. |
| 1:09.2 | Darren the cuck fucking loser from 1892. |
| 1:12.7 | He's a fucking loser who doesn't know shit about running a business. |
| 1:16.7 | And he's going to let an alcoholic fat fucking Joe fire somebody with 10 years of experience |
| 1:21.9 | because he complained that Joe won't drain my fucking coworkers. |
| 1:25.7 | And Joe puts nigger on the fucking radio. And Joe drinks next door and won't train my fucking co-workers and Joe puts nigger on the fucking radio |
| 1:28.4 | and Joe drinks next door |
| 1:30.4 | and won't tell shit to my coworkers |
| 1:32.5 | because he's a cuck fucking loser coward |
... |
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