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Bonus: Quiet Sex (2019)

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Jake Hurwitz, Amir Blumenfeld, Jake And Amir, Guidance, Advice, Health & Fitness, Society & Culture, Comedy, Relationships

4.95.8K Ratings

🗓️ 25 September 2023

⏱️ 32 minutes

🧾️ Download transcript

Summary

In this episode we discuss angry parents and library books.

Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Transcript

Click on a timestamp to play from that location

0:00.0

What is this a new if I were you podcast well kind of these are episodes that were living

0:13.3

behind our Patreon for the last five years and we figured why not release some of the

0:19.1

best ones onto this feed to reward those of you that never gave up that never unsubscribed

0:25.5

so please enjoy this classic episode of if I were you recorded at our old studio in 2018.

0:32.6

If I were you, if I were you, if I were you, I'd tell you what I would do if only I were you.

0:50.2

Hell yeah. All right. Are you okay? I'm good. You look kind of drunk a little bit. I really? Yeah. Well, I'm not, no, I'm not, I'm not that drunk because I saw you

1:00.2

but I'm to the right of the couch which I could still see you have a little you take a little I've a nice way from the last I'm a

1:07.2

flat can I have a handle over there it's 240 vaping downstairs. I like a weed pen. Is everything okay? Yeah, if I'm feeling like if it if you can tell

1:17.2

that I that I'm like a little out of it, maybe I just need to like don't do another drug. Yeah, if that's just I would just like

1:25.2

fucking skull a rail of cocaine just like to even me out you're fine. If I just need to like you're fine. Yeah, I'm gonna have to do any right. Well,

1:34.2

I just call it. It's like it's kind of like this delicate balance of like I get drunk and I'm like a little crazy and then I

1:40.8

like I smoke a little weed to mellow me out. But I get to me all day. Is that roller coaster? It's not every single day

1:47.7

because I wake up and I am not like fucked up because I like slept it off but I never wake up with a headache. Yeah,

1:53.0

like it's easy to get rid of a headache. You just fucking caffeine or special or just juice. You just bang out a real

1:59.4

water. Yeah, just a line of cocaine. Yeah, you use a humidifier like it sort of doesn't it doesn't dry you out so that keeps you

2:08.6

hydrated and healthy. I don't know. I definitely I wake up like over hydrate. I'm usually drenched in sweat. So I need I need the powder

2:16.6

to dry my shit. You drenched in sweat means you're dehydrated because your body is selling a wet. Yeah, I wake up and I'm wet. Yeah,

2:25.2

some dehydration. If I wake up and I'm super wet, I'll try to do some blow. It's not like you want to do the

2:31.8

I'll do the garlic room out for a little bit. Shroom out now. Yeah, so cocaine to toss it. I said special K pills and alcohol daily. I just

2:43.8

have anything about alcohol. You don't drink. I have a little whiskey. Yeah, you said you had a

2:51.9

whiskey in the handle. I'm sorry. I'm feeling out of it. I feel like I need to do a bunch of blow because then I'll be a

2:56.8

little more focused. Well, please don't do blow. All right. Well, I just feel like maybe I overdo it on the

...

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