Welcome back to the Look and Sound of Leadership, an ongoing series of

executive coaching tips designed to help you be perceived in the workplace the way

you want to be perceived. I'm Tom Henschel, your executive coach, and today we're talking

about aggression versus assertion. Does she even know how smart she is? She really needs to start speaking up so we can get the benefit of what she knows.

That was typical of the feedback about Maureen.

When I asked her what was holding her back from contributing more, she told me she'd always been

shy about speaking up.

My folks warned all of us not to be too aggressive, she told me.

I think the result was that I just stopped talking altogether.

Well, I agree with your parents, I told her. Being aggressive isn't a good thing.

But the feedback isn't warning you about being aggressive, people want you to be assertive.

She looked at me as if I was pulling some bait and switch tactic.

Are you splitting hairs? she asked.

I told her no. To me this distinction is stark and important. I drew an

imaginary line in the air and I put

behaviors like bullying, violating people's boundaries,

speaking disrespectfully, and diminishing other people's ideas.

I told her that aggression feels threatening

and damages relationships. On the assertion side I put behaviors like naming your own

thoughts and feelings, respecting the thoughts and feelings of others,

being comfortable with disagreement, and an ability to compromise.

I told her assertion feels confident and encourages healthy relationships.

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