How about this?

The dog had been abusing me for years, and I finally snapped.

There you go.

The battered owner excuse.

That's the winner right there.

I was on ecstasy.

I was on a lot of ecstasy.

A lot of things got out of hand.

The dog was on ecstasy.

What if the dog's racist?

Won't stop using the N-word.

From the smallest room in New York City comes the show that gives you a reason to live.

A family man from the forgotten borough was missing.

Presumed absconded with an estimated $25,000 in friendly Super Bowl wagers.

Everyone seems to know.

63-year-old John Cambecoccus.

He ran several betting pools on the big games.

He was holding bets placed on Super Bowl 49, but these betters should have known better.

Kalambacoccus disappeared January 28th, the Greek. He knew many friends, and he was known

to be friendly by friends and neighbors. Calm Dukakis was last seen twice, last Wednesday.

First, last place scene, number one, 7.11, 8 a.m. drinking coffee. Second and last place, seen last. Again, with the coffee. This time at a Greek diner owned by a friend, presumed Greek. Five, six hours later. Calaveras then vanished into big, fat Greek air. Daryl Dawkins has lived on the same street he grew up on in a home with his two daughters

and five grandchildren on Staten Island.

...