79: Marys Christmas (The Infancy Gospel of Pseudo-Matthew)

Apocrypals

Chris Sims

Comedy, History

4.9 • 650 Ratings

🗓️ 13 December 2020

⏱️ 109 minutes

🔗️ Recording | iTunes | RSS

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Summary

Happy Holidays, Theophiloi! It's our favorite time of the year, and that means we're once again reading the story about how an angel came down to herald the birth of a child whose divine nature would be revealed by a dove, and who would gather a group of followers and perform many wondrous miracles: the Blessed Voltron Mary. Yeah, apparently the whole "be not afraid" stuff happened to her first, but don't worry. Jesus gets his own unique adventures in taming lions, sittin' on a sunbeam, and being worshipped by straight up literal dragons in this, the wildest and least canonical infancy gospel of all. It's the Gospel of Pseudo-Matthew, courtesy of Brandon W. Hawk and the Early Christian Apocrypha series!

Topics of discussion: A rabbinical endorsement of our mozzarella stick tradition from The RaDR, a lifetime supply of pencils, Kayfabe Matthew, the relatability of Mary, the delight of the afternoon in Bethlehem, the hideous dogs of antiquity, Robert Animacorpus, the Starbucks in Nazareth, the angels Grubhubiel and Doordashiel, Mary's Womanly Experience, buying makeup at Tasepiphorus, the eternal reward for trees and cars, Jesus got ups, the worst thing I have ever read in my life.

Hymnal: "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)" by Darlene Love, "Donner and Blitzen" by Rob Halford.

Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246

Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17.

Transcript

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0:00.0	You're listening to Apocopalus on the Greenlit Podcast Network.
0:03.4	Make sure to check out all of our shows at greenlitpodcast.com.
0:09.2	But the first day that Mary saw lions and panthers and various monstrous wild beasts coming around them,
0:15.1	she was exceedingly terrified.
0:17.3	But at the sight of her face, the child Jesus smiled,
0:20.5	and speaking to her in a comforting voice, said,
0:22.9	Do not be afraid, mother. Truly, they hasten to come not to injure you, but to serve you. And with these words,
0:30.3	he removed the fear from their hearts. The Infancy Gospel of Pseudo-Matthew, Chapter 19, verses 3 through 5.
0:55.0	The snow's coming down. Hello Hello Hello friends and neighbors and welcome to Apocrypal's Hello friends and neighbors and welcome to Apocopacalus.
1:14.3	This is the podcast where two non-believers read through the Bible, but we try not to be jerks about it.
1:19.1	My name is Chris Sims.
1:20.7	With me, as always, the other set of footprints.
1:23.8	Benito Serino.
1:24.5	Benito, happy holidays.
1:26.7	Happy holidays to you as well, Chris.
1:30.0	Happy Hanukkah, specifically.
1:32.9	Hagsameach.
1:34.6	Here we are.
1:35.5	We had our Hanukkah special last time.
1:38.8	But now, here we are actually in the midst.
1:41.4	In the midst of the Feast of Lights.
1:44.5	Yeah, it lasts for approximately a week.
	...

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