I will be defoeing from my family this weekend, which was last weekend.

My parents know I want time to heal and go no contact, however they think it's temporary.

I think the truth is that I want to immediately cut contact permanently once moved,

so I know they're out of my life forever.

I'm not sure if this is very Russian rational, but if they

were to die tomorrow, I would have no regrets, alongside having had no desire to spend time with them

for a couple of years already, excluding obligation feelings and using them for resources.

I am not even sure if permanently defuing is the right thing to do. The people

pleasing has improved a lot since we last spoke, however still significantly, really significantly

affects me on a day-to-day basis. For example, I keep choosing bad men and creeps. Maybe creeps is a wrong word, but I keep choosing bad men and creeps. Maybe creeps a wrong word, but I keep choosing bad men.

And I've had dishonest friendships and a relationship in which I people pleased and was a voluntary

in bracket slave, like as talked about in real-time relationships. Now I only want honest friendships. And once I've

healed more, which is hopefully not long now, meet a husband and build a family. But that feels like

a world's away. I don't know what it would feel like to even just be happy and just have a happy

relationship. I have no idea what that would look like. Right, right. And, okay, I'm sure that there's more that you want to add, so I can hear. And if you could just, just a minor technical thing, if you could back off from the mic a little bit, I'm getting some breath noises. Oh, sorry. No, no problem. Yeah, so I'm sure there's more do you want to add and more there's.

Yeah. Okay. So regarding men, I've been, I've spoken to a few men.

So I had a relationship from December to July last year, and there was a completely dishonest relationship.

He was less intelligent than me, still intelligent, and it was sort of like a safe haven.

I was with him for the sake of being with someone, so I was using him.

I then broke up with him because I realized, oh my gosh, we have nothing in common, there's no deep

conversations, this is as dead as it humanly gets. And then after, my friend introduced me to a guy

and I told him from the get-go go I don't want to date or anything,

...