509. Coaching Hotline: Why Do I Always Do This With Someone I Like?
UnF*ck Your Brain: Feminist Self-Help for Everyone
Kara Loewentheil
4.6 • 5.6K Ratings
🗓️ 14 July 2026
⏱️ 4 minutes
🔗️ Recording | Apple Podcasts | RSS
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Summary
Do you notice old patterns creeping back in when you start dating someone new, even after making real progress on your thoughts? In this Coaching Hotline episode, I answer a listener who finds herself feeling needy and seeking validation in new relationships. We unpack why this happens, why it’s completely normal, and how understanding what’s going on in your thoughts can help you navigate these familiar patterns without judgment.
Submit your own question here and it might get answered on a future episode: unfuckyourbrain.com/coachinghotline
Get full show notes, transcript, and more information here: https://schoolofnewfeministthought.com/509
Watch episodes over on YouTube: youtube.com/@karaloewentheilcoaching
Follow along on Instagram: instagram.com/karaloewentheil/
Transcript
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| 0:00.0 | Welcome to Un-Fuck Your Brain. I'm your host, Kara Lowenthal, master-certified coach, and founder of the School of New Feminist Thought. I'm here to help you turn down your anxiety, turn up your confidence, and create a life on your own terms, one that you're truly excited to live. Let's go. |
| 0:24.3 | Welcome to this week's coaching hotline episode where I answer real questions from real |
| 0:30.4 | listeners and coach you from afar. If you want to submit your question for consideration, |
| 0:35.1 | go to unfuckyour your brain.com forward slash |
| 0:39.0 | coaching hotline, all one word, or text your email to plus one 347-997-1784. And when you get |
| 0:48.2 | prompted for the code word, it's coaching hotline, all one word. Let's get into this week's questions. |
| 0:55.9 | Here's our listener question. I've been doing so much thought work on my dating patterns and I've had real wins, |
| 1:00.2 | but I've started seeing someone I'm latching onto and I can feel myself spiraling back to feeling |
| 1:04.7 | needy and wanting him to do certain things so I can feel okay. Am I supposed to feel completely |
| 1:09.4 | neutral when I date someone? How do I stop |
| 1:11.6 | going to one extreme or the other? So no, you don't need to feel completely neutral when you date |
| 1:17.1 | someone. That would probably be weird, right? Then why would we bother? But this is normal. It makes |
| 1:22.8 | sense. I want to explain to you what's happening. When we start creating new thought patterns, especially around |
| 1:28.2 | dating where a lot of it has to do with like our beliefs about our own value, our own worth, |
| 1:32.5 | and the way that we want other people to validate those or like prove to us that we're good |
| 1:38.0 | enough or worthy, it starts and it's easier when we don't really know someone that well |
| 1:43.7 | aren't that attached to them. |
| 1:44.9 | So we can start to develop these better thought patterns. We stop getting so fixated on what, |
| 1:49.3 | like, some guy named Johnny whose last name we don't even know, hasn't texted us back. |
| 1:54.4 | But then once we start actually dating someone and like the stakes feel higher, |
| 1:57.8 | all those old thought patterns wake up. So that is normal. It happens in every |
| 2:01.9 | area of life. You do the work on your self-esteem in one job, but then you get a promotion, |
... |
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