483. Coaching Hotline: Letting Go of Old Grudges & Beliefs About Attractiveness
UnF*ck Your Brain: Feminist Self-Help for Everyone
Kara Loewentheil
4.6 • 5.6K Ratings
🗓️ 14 April 2026
⏱️ 14 minutes
🧾️ Download transcript
Summary
Why is it so hard to let go of something that happened years ago, even when you know it shouldn’t matter anymore? In this Coaching Hotline episode, I coach someone through what it really takes to release an old grudge without pretending it didn’t hurt.
Then I answer a question about attractiveness and the belief that you can control whether other people are attracted to you based on how you present yourself. If you’ve been holding onto resentment or trying to control how others see you, this episode will help you understand why those patterns aren’t working and learn how to shift out of them.
Submit your own question here and it might get answered on a future episode: unfuckyourbrain.com/coachinghotline
Get full show notes, transcript, and more information here: schoolofnewfeministthought.com/483
Follow along on Instagram: instagram.com/karaloewentheil/
Mentioned in this episode:
The Future Coach Podcast is Here!
The Future Coach: How to Succeed as a Life Coach Today, Tomorrow, and Beyond is finally here. Every other week, you'll hear practical advice about becoming a coach, improving your coaching skills, and antidotes to the most common concerns, questions, and brain drama that come up with this work, whether you're just starting out or you're years into your career. If you want to find out more, you can find it anywhere you listen to podcasts and hit that follow button.
The Future Coach Podcast is Here!
The Future Coach: How to Succeed as a Life Coach Today, Tomorrow, and Beyond is finally here. Every other week, you'll hear practical advice about becoming a coach, improving your coaching skills, and antidotes to the most common concerns, questions, and brain drama that come up with this work, whether you're just starting out or you're years into your career. If you want to find out more, you can find it anywhere you listen to podcasts and hit that follow button.
Transcript
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| 0:00.0 | Welcome to unfuck your brain. I'm your host Kara Lowentile, master-certified coach, and founder of the School of New Feminist Thought. I'm here to help you turn down your anxiety, turn up your confidence, and create a life on your own terms, one that you're truly excited to live. |
| 0:21.3 | Let's go. |
| 0:24.8 | Welcome to this week's coaching hotline episode where I answer real questions from real listeners |
| 0:31.2 | and coach you from afar. |
| 0:33.6 | If you want to submit your question for consideration, go to unfuck your brain.com forward slash |
| 0:39.5 | coaching hotline, all one word, or text your email to plus one 347-997-1784. And when you get |
| 0:48.7 | prompted for the code word, it's coaching hotline, all one word. Let's get into this week's questions. |
| 0:55.6 | First question. I struggle intensely with boundaries and trust with a dear friend, |
| 1:00.4 | who I've known for 20 years and who has closely integrated into my family. Our friendship has |
| 1:05.1 | been fueled by competition, jealousy, envy, shame, guilt, and deteriorating trust. |
| 1:10.7 | Sounds delightful, right? That part was my little |
| 1:13.4 | interjection. I've been holding intense grudges from events that happened two years ago when boundaries |
| 1:19.0 | I didn't know I even had to articulate were violated. We were out in a group setting, a different friend |
| 1:24.2 | was setting me up with a colleague, my first date, quote unquote, after a bitter end to three-year relationship. My dear friend knew I was setting me up with a colleague, my first date, quote-unquote, after a bitter end to three-year |
| 1:29.0 | relationship. My dear friend knew I was being set up with him, but she ended up getting his number. |
| 1:33.9 | My lizard brain told me it was because she is prettier, smarter, more sociable than me. |
| 1:38.6 | I know better than to let the patriarchy wedge its way into friendship. We've discussed the |
| 1:42.7 | incident openly since then, but I can't seem to |
| 1:44.8 | rebuild trust. I feel shame for carrying this old grudge and fixating on the past. How can I release this |
| 1:50.5 | without invalidating my hurt and pain? So this is such a beautiful question, and that's because of that |
| 1:56.4 | last sentence. How can I release this without invalidating my hurt and pain? So I'm going to rephrase that |
| 2:04.3 | question. How can I continue to believe that my friend did a bad wrong thing that hurt me and yet not |
... |
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