My friend Brandon's dad said he could eat a whole cow.

Yeah, that's something people say.

Could you eat a cow?

Well, I mean whenever we...

I couldn't eat any animal.

You ate a hamburger last night.

Exactly. What's hamburger made out of? It's from a cow. And you had bacon. What's bacon? It's from a pig. No, no. Derek, yes it is. Dad, I had a ham sandwich at school. Derek, okay, that's okay.

No, dad, I'm serious.

I had a ham sandwich at school today.

Okay, so what?

I was just grating it.

Okay, you ate a pig.

That I smiled the whole time.

Oh my gosh, I should be in jail.

Sausages ate a pig. Then I smiled the whole time. Oh my gosh, I should be in jail.

Sausage is from a pig. I eat sausage. I have to apologize to the other cows. What? How would you? Dad, I ate their family. Well, I mean, they're probably walking around the grass right now going, where's Claudia. Yours, you like, what a chicken tender's made out of?

Chicken, Derek. It's in the name.

Our fish nuggets really made out of fish? Yes, Derek. They're called fish nuggets.

And our lamb chops really lambs? Yes, exactly. I should be in jail.

Plenty of people eat all of this wait is lobster lobster yes it is I'm a lobster killer relax what about shrimp it's shrimp there no way and turkey breast it's made from don't say turkey turkey turkey why wouldn't they put that on the box it's called turkey I don't want to eat anything from an animal okay then just vegan. So don't have sex. No, that's not what's that has to do with anything?

TVTL.

He's my devil, my dark lover, my alter ego.

...