Welcome to unfuck your brain. I'm your host Kara Lowentile, master-certified coach, and founder of the School of New Feminist Thought. I'm here to help you turn down your anxiety, turn up your confidence, and create a life on your own terms, one that you're truly excited to live.

Let's go.

Welcome to this week's coaching hotline episode where I answer real questions from real listeners

and coach you from afar.

If you want to submit your question for consideration, go to unfuck your brain.com forward slash

coaching hotline, all one word, or text your email to plus one 347-997-1784. And when you get

prompted for the code word, it's coaching hotline, all one word. Let's get into this week's questions. This is the question.

For some reason, I have no desired of sex. I'm working on my body image with all the tools that Kara

teaches and it's not that. Now it's gotten the point where even when my husband holds or kisses me,

I experience fear and even downright paranoia that it will lead to sex and I just want to break free of the contact. Any sex we have is out of obligation and care for him, so he feels attracted because I'm attracted to him, and I have to really rev up the thought work to get up the motivation to do it. I just have no libido anymore, and it's really upsetting when you consider we want to try to start a family soon. Okay, so the first place we have to work on this is the part where number one, you believe you have no libido, and number two, you find it really upsetting. It's like the models are stacked in layers. We got to start with the top model. Let's start with the idea that you don't have any libido. Let's pretend that that's a circumstance. It's for sure a thought, right? But let's say that's a circumstance. I have no libido.

And then... that you don't have any libido. Let's pretend that that's a circumstance. It's for sure a thought,

right? But let's say that's a circumstance. I have no libido. And then your thought is that's really upsetting. You have to start with that thought. You think this is a problem. You think it's a problem that you don't want to have sex. And then you're telling yourself, it's really a problem because we want to try to start a family soon.

Number one, people for sure started families, even when they weren't into sex. You can have sex for a purpose if that's all you want to do. So you just got to notice that you have the story about it and you got to work on that piece of it first. So what, that you don't want to have sex? Why is that a problem? Now, you're going to give me a whole bunch of thoughts about why it's a problem because it upsets him, because intimacy, because we want to have a family, because I want to be normal, right? Whatever your thoughts are, those are all thoughts. There are people in the world who don't have any libido and who feel totally fine about it. And some of those people might identify as asexual and some of those people would just say I've been married for 40 years and some of those people would just say whatever. Even if it were truly a circumstance that couldn't be changed that you don't have a libido, that does not have to be upsetting to you, whether or not you want to start a family. So we have to start there because what's going on here is that you're not questioning the thoughts and feelings you have about this and you want to jump to

solving it by changing your libido. And this is so common with all of you guys. You have a thought

and feeling about something and then you just want to use thought work to change the underlying

something. It's almost like you're just trying to use thought work to change a circumstance.

When you are dealing with what you are making

something mean like this, it's better to assume for the first model that it is a circumstance.

It's like I answered a question in a previous week or it's coming up in another week

about somebody who said she felt numb when she practices thoughts and then she has all these

thoughts about that. And I was saying, okay, put numb when practicing thoughts in the circumstance line for now. What are all your thoughts about that? Right. And same thing here. Put no libido in the circumstance line at first and deal with all your thoughts about it. Rather than you're trying to change the libido with your thoughts, which I do think you can do, but we can't do it while we're just

trying to change it so we won't be upset anymore. Because it gives you this franticness about it. It's like urgent and it's emergency. Oh, I'm really upset. I don't have a libido, so I need to change the libido so I won't be upset anymore. That's not how it works. If you just swap in like my boss or traffic for libido, you'll see, right?

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