461. Coaching Hotline: Clothing Confidence & Needing Reassurance in Dating
UnF*ck Your Brain: Feminist Self-Help for Everyone
Kara Loewentheil
4.6 • 5.6K Ratings
🗓️ 27 January 2026
⏱️ 8 minutes
🧾️ Download transcript
Summary
Do you ever feel like if you could just find the right outfit, you’d finally feel confident? Or like the only way to calm your anxiety in dating is to get reassurance from the person you’re seeing?
In this Coaching Hotline episode, I answer two listener questions that show how easy it is to look outside yourself for emotional safety. You’ll learn how to stop outsourcing your confidence to clothes or other people and start creating emotional security from the inside out.
Submit your own question here and it might get answered on a future episode: unfuckyourbrain.com/coachinghotline
Get full show notes, transcript, and more information here: schoolofnewfeministthought.com/461
Follow along on Instagram: instagram.com/karaloewentheil/
Mentioned in this episode:
The Future Coach Podcast is Here!
The Future Coach: How to Succeed as a Life Coach Today, Tomorrow, and Beyond is finally here. Every other week, you'll hear practical advice about becoming a coach, improving your coaching skills, and antidotes to the most common concerns, questions, and brain drama that come up with this work, whether you're just starting out or you're years into your career. If you want to find out more, you can find it anywhere you listen to podcasts and hit that follow button.
The Future Coach Podcast is Here!
The Future Coach: How to Succeed as a Life Coach Today, Tomorrow, and Beyond is finally here. Every other week, you'll hear practical advice about becoming a coach, improving your coaching skills, and antidotes to the most common concerns, questions, and brain drama that come up with this work, whether you're just starting out or you're years into your career. If you want to find out more, you can find it anywhere you listen to podcasts and hit that follow button.
Transcript
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| 0:00.0 | Welcome to unfuck your brain. I'm your host Kara Lowentile, master-certified coach, and founder of the School of New Feminist Thought. I'm here to help you turn down your anxiety, turn up your confidence, and create a life on your own terms, one that you're truly excited to live. |
| 0:21.3 | Let's go. |
| 0:24.8 | Welcome to this week's coaching hotline episode where I answer real questions from real listeners |
| 0:31.2 | and coach you from afar. |
| 0:33.6 | If you want to submit your question for consideration, go to unfuck your brain.com forward slash |
| 0:39.5 | coaching hotline, all one word, or text your email to plus one 347-997-1784. And when you get |
| 0:48.7 | prompted for the code word, it's coaching hotline, all one word. Let's get into this week's questions. |
| 0:55.7 | First one is about confidence and clothing, which is something I know a lot of people struggle |
| 1:00.7 | with, so I was excited to get this question. Hello, dear Kara. Well, hello. I'm the biggest |
| 1:06.7 | fan of yours. I'm so grateful I found you. My question today is about getting dressed. As long as I remember, I've always had issues with that. I'm now 29, but for 23 years I've been dealing with this every day. No matter where I'm going, the playground, a store, a fancy party, I never know what to wear. I'll change three outfits, and after finally making a choice, I'm almost never happy. I've tried planning. I took a |
| 1:28.6 | course in style and I have some cute clothes, but none of that works. With your help, I've been paying attention to my thoughts. Before I get dressed, I see it all goes to what would others think about it. What would you say? How do I change it? Where do I start? I did run some models, but I don't really see any changes or insights yet. Okay, so you've got the first part of this, which is you know that |
| 1:47.5 | you're thinking about what other people will think. |
| 1:50.3 | But I don't think that you have gotten to the actual thought. When we ask ourselves a question, we usually just confuse ourselves. |
| 1:57.7 | If it's not a powerful question that you've chosen on purpose goes in a useful |
| 2:01.9 | direction, right? A negative question or a question like this, like, but what will other people think? |
| 2:06.7 | You know, a completely unanswerable question is not going to help us. So I think the real problem |
| 2:11.4 | is your real thought is that other people will judge you based on what you're wearing. |
| 2:16.3 | And that is just projection. You are judging you based on what you're wearing. And that is just projection. You are judging you |
| 2:19.6 | based on what you're wearing. So those are the thoughts you need to dig into, right? You have a thought |
| 2:25.3 | about how you look and you are afraid other people will also have it. And so you're trying to control |
| 2:31.1 | their brains with your clothing. But really, you're just trying to control your own brain with your clothing. You're trying to change your circumstance of what |
| 2:38.0 | clothes you put on to create a different feeling of confidence. And that's never going to work. |
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