456. Better Boundaries & Instant Obligation Syndrome
UnF*ck Your Brain: Feminist Self-Help for Everyone
Kara Loewentheil
4.6 • 5.6K Ratings
🗓️ 8 January 2026
⏱️ 24 minutes
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Summary
Ever notice how when someone asks you for something, you immediately feel like you should say yes? Whether it's a colleague wanting to pick your brain over coffee or your kid's school asking you to bake for the school fundraiser, there's this instant weight that settles on your shoulders. In this episode, I'm naming something that hasn't been talked about before but affects almost everyone socialized as a woman: Instant Obligation Syndrome.
I'll explain why this happens, how it's rooted in the socialization that teaches women their purpose is to serve others, and why you feel like you need a "good reason" to say no. Most importantly, I'll show you why this pattern is costing you far more than you realize.
Get full show notes, transcript, and more information here: schoolofnewfeministthought.com/456
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The Future Coach: How to Succeed as a Life Coach Today, Tomorrow, and Beyond is finally here. Every other week, you'll hear practical advice about becoming a coach, improving your coaching skills, and antidotes to the most common concerns, questions, and brain drama that come up with this work, whether you're just starting out or you're years into your career. If you want to find out more, you can find it anywhere you listen to podcasts and hit that follow button.
Transcript
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| 0:00.0 | There is so much on the internet about how to set boundaries, and almost all of it is ignoring |
| 0:06.5 | one fundamental problem. Most people socialize as women are living with what I call instant |
| 0:12.8 | obligation syndrome. This is not something I've seen anyone else talk about, but it is foundational |
| 0:18.6 | to understand. If you want to be able to set better boundaries, |
| 0:21.9 | you have to understand instant obligation syndrome and how it's showing up. Because if you don't know |
| 0:27.1 | how to deal with your default assumption that you should do what other people ask you to do |
| 0:31.8 | and you should give what other people ask for, you'll never be able to set and keep a boundary. |
| 0:35.3 | So let's get into this undiscussed and crucial |
| 0:38.6 | mindset problem this week. Welcome to unfuck your brain. I'm your host Kara Lowenthal, |
| 0:45.8 | master certified coach, and founder of the School of New Feminist Thub. I'm here to help you |
| 0:51.5 | turn down your anxiety, turn up your confidence, and create a life on your |
| 0:55.8 | own terms, one that you're truly excited to live. Let's go. Okay, so that feeling you have when |
| 1:06.9 | somebody asks you for something or asks you to do something or asks for some kind of access |
| 1:12.1 | to you. And you don't want to do it, don't want to give that access, don't want to spend that time, |
| 1:17.6 | don't want to have that kind of interaction. But you say yes anyway. And partly that is because of |
| 1:23.7 | the way you feel if you don't, which is that you feel guilty, probably. And part of it is |
| 1:28.6 | a premise or assumption that I don't think you're even aware of. And this pattern, which I see |
| 1:34.5 | come out constantly, I don't think it even has a name yet. So we're going to name it. And I'm |
| 1:38.1 | going to call it instant obligation syndrome or iOS. Here's what happens. Someone asks you for something. Could be small. Could I pick your |
| 1:47.7 | brain about this? Could you bake something for this raffle? Could you be on this work committee? |
| 1:54.2 | Or it could be huge. Like, I want to have sex with you. I need you to take on this project at work. |
| 2:00.3 | I need you to perform this acting role after we fired someone. I need you to take on this project at work. I need you to perform this acting role |
... |
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