#449: Why Avoidant partners NEED you to LEAVE them

The Mark Groves Podcast

Mark Groves

Relationships, Society & Culture

4.9 • 5K Ratings

🗓️ 24 April 2025

⏱️ 10 minutes

🔗️ Recording | iTunes | RSS

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Summary

In this solo episode, I dive into the complicated dance between anxious and avoidant attachment styles—and why, sometimes, avoidant people actually need you to leave for real growth to happen. I unpack how chasing someone who’s always got one foot out the door pulls you out of alignment with yourself, and how the true healing starts when you stop over-functioning and learn to stand still. With personal stories (yes, even my not-so-great stick figure drawings), I share what it means to stop colluding with emotional unavailability and start building self-trust. This episode is a straight-up call to honor your nervous system, set boundaries that actually mean something, and break free from the anxious-avoidant loop that’s been draining your soul. Resources: —Learn the connection between Attachment Styles, how it affects the Nervous System, AND how you can heal it: .https://go.markgroves.com/nervous-system-opt-in-podcast —Join My Online Community: http://markgroves.com/community —Get My New Book! Liberated Love - Release Codependent Patterns and Create the Love You Desire: https://markgroves.com/book —Explore My Courses: https://markgroves.com/courses Follow me and my work here: —Subscribe to my YouTube Channel: https://www.youtube.com/user/markgrovestv —Follow my Podcast Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/markgrovespodcast —Subscribe to my Newsletter: https://markgroves.com/newsletter —Subscribe to my Substack: https://markgroves.substack.com —Instagram - @createthelove: https://www.instagram.com/createthelove —Facebook - @createthelove: https://www.facebook.com/createthelove Have A Question? —Have a Question For Mark That You’d Like To Hear Answered on the Podcast? Leave us a Voice Note Here: https://www.speakpipe.com/TheMarkGrovesPodcast If you want to dive deeper into Mark’s content, search through every episode, find specific topics we’ve covered, and ask him questions, go to his Dexa page: https://ask.markgroves.com This episode is sponsored by: —Mighty Networks: Go to http://www.markgroves.com/mightynetworks to learn how you can create your own community! Drop us a note at podcast@markgroves.com for sponsor product support, questions, comments, guest suggestions, or just to say hello! Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Transcript

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0:00.0	avoidant people need you to actually leave them. Now listen, this doesn't sound like a compassionate
0:05.5	perspective. It doesn't sound like, hey, what about their people too? And the reason that they
0:10.3	have avoidance is because of trauma or, you know, fractured attachments with their parents.
0:15.6	100%. We can contextualize all the reasons that people constantly have one foot kind of out the door in relationship, but at the end of the day, you're the one in relationship with them.
0:27.0	And likely, if you're in a relationship with an avoidant person and you start it out secure, you usually end up anxious.
0:33.3	But let's be honest, most people who end up in relationship with avoiding people are anxiously attached.
0:38.3	So for anxiously attached people, this is a massive area of growth.
0:43.3	So let's look at like in a healthy relationship dynamic, this would be happening.
0:48.3	Both people would be turning towards each other.
0:50.3	But in an avoidant relationship dynamic, this isn't what's happening. This is what's
0:55.4	happening. One person is moving towards and the other person is moving away. So when all of a sudden,
1:01.0	this anxiously attached person, right, look at, and by the way, I know my little stick
1:06.3	drawing's not the best, but they're clear you're going to learn a lot here. Anxiously attached people,
1:10.3	if they stop doing this, there's now a space between here that has never existed.
1:15.6	Now, look, I had this realization in a relationship with my wife years ago when we were dating.
1:20.8	Like, I wanted her because I was more anxiously attached.
1:23.7	I wanted her to come towards me.
1:25.5	But she couldn't come towards me because I was always taken up all the damn space with my anxiously attached way of being.
1:31.3	I was always chasing her, so she didn't have a chance to catch me.
1:35.3	Now, here's the thing about anxious attachment and avoidant attachment.
1:39.3	I'm going to break it down very simply.
1:41.3	Anxiously attached people are afraid of space.
	...

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