Chow, honey, it's mom. I'm calling from Northern Italy now. Your father and I

rented a car and drove up to the mountains on some very windy, narrow, and

steep hills and I loved every second of it. Cool is a cucumber, really, it didn't bother me.

And the great news is,

your father, God, love and drove with the same passion

as the Italian drivers and tailgated the whole way

and we cut three minutes off our trip so that's what I was hoping for on vacation so that worked out beautifully.

I'm sure it'll all be fine but if I don't make it back alive I just want you to know that there is a new espresso machine in the

kitchen that you and your brother can fight over. It doesn't make

espresso is as good as here in Italy, but last time I checked you didn't have

one so fill your boots. Also in my underwear drawer there is an envelope

with about $800 in it. I have been saving to do some laser work on my face in the

fall but if I don't make it back you guys divvy that up and buy yourself something nice.

Love you to the moon and back.

TVTL! E.T.L.

Hello, town jubilation committee. Yeah, I got something that's going to make you a lot less jubilant.

I don't talk trash. I talk smack. They're totally different.

Trash track is a hypothetical, like your mom is so fat you could eat the internet.

But smack talk is happening like right now.

Like, you're ugly and I know it for a fact,

because I get the evidence right there.

So it was you.

...