All I want to be is ill chuckle All I'm going to be is ill chuckle

My fellow Americans, we're gathered here on the White House lawn, not just to celebrate the 4th of July, not just to pardon these here, fireworks, but to celebrate history, to celebrate where we've come from as a country and where

we're going. Sure, today is America's birthday, but it also marks the 25th anniversary of the end

of the last war back in 2041. Seems like such a distant memory when American turned against American.

Those days, we last out at each other violently in our ignorance.

We engineered a new drug to make our soldiers stronger and fight more better.

And they got addicted to it like crazy.

We couldn't keep the stuff on the shelves.

Jet packs.

Soldiers with jet packs.

There were drones flying to people's work and doming them in their cubicles.

Bad.

Bad stuff.

Very bad.

President Darth Slicer made Havana raise illegal.

He provided free public health care.

He nationalized Chipotle and made it free for every citizen.

Some say we've created a utopia.

I'm here to say the work has just begun.

There's still countless ways we can improve the lives of average Americans.

I'm talking about the Department of Savings.

Now I know my Republican colleagues in Congress are trying to roll back some of its more generous features.

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