409 - Lightnail

Episode One

Comedy

4.8 • 858 Ratings

🗓️ 16 October 2025

⏱️ 83 minutes

🔗️ Recording | iTunes | RSS

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Summary

Special Agent Curtis Lightnail is a red-blooded patriot who doesn't suffer libs. But his patriotism is put to the test on a mission that goes against everything he believes: protecting the president. Starring Branson Reese, Noah Kulwin, Brendan James, April Clark, Dan Boeckner, Alex Branson, Andrew Hudson, and Charles Austin. E1 on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/e1podcast Guest edited by Taylor Moore Written by Alex Branson

Transcript

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0:00.0	Berkeley, California, Election Day.
0:05.0	Lightnail. Come in, light nail.
0:08.0	Are you in position?
0:10.0	Yes, Chief. I've been in position for nine days.
0:13.0	Can men get yeast infections?
0:15.0	You cut out there at the end, so I'm just going to keep talking.
0:19.0	Your idea to infiltrate the Swing District of Berkeley,
0:21.9	California to root out voter fraud is genius, light nail. But impersonating a voting booth is no easy
0:28.2	task. An ordinary operative would crack after just hours pretending to be in inanimate booth.
0:34.3	You don't have to tell me that. I'm the one wearing the diaper. I want to make it clear for the mission notes that no one in this agency told you that you had to wear a diaper. Not now, Chief. I got two teal heads closing in. Teal heads? What the fuck are you talking about light nail, you idiot? Basically, since they have teal hair, I try to make it sound like a racist term for them or something. I'm trying to be cheeky about it so I don't freak everyone out with my behavior. Don't fuck this up, Lightnail. There's too much riding on this mission. Oh, I'll fuck it up if I want to. My fate is to have my own sense of justice. We do this thing my way or no way at all.
1:13.1	I won't suffer the same fate as this once great country by cowtowing to hyper-sexualized
1:18.6	school boards and activist judges jacking off under their robes.
1:23.3	Shut the fuck up, Lightningell, and that's in order. People are complaining all of the time about you and the shitty things you say. Save the politics for the IMDB forum and keep that shit out of the mission.
1:34.3	Watch your tongue, Chief. Shawshank Redemption 52 was the one who gave us the tip about voter fraud in Berkeley.
1:40.3	Be that as it may. Not now, Chief. Someone's voting on me right now. I think they can
1:46.8	hear me talking, so I'm going to shut up. Um, is there someone else in the ballot box?
1:52.4	Fuck! Abort mission! Take the suicide pill now, soldier. No, I think I'm good. I think I'm going to
1:59.0	get out of here, no problem. Just take the suicide pill. Take it just in case something bad happens.
2:03.6	Eat a bomb. Eat that grenade I gave you. Did you take it yet? If you're dying, I want you to know that I don't like anything about you.
2:10.6	Did you hear me light now? Light now? light now! Lydell! Pride, which is an acronym, Headquarters, 0400 hours.
2:50.9	That was a close one, light nail.
2:53.0	Sorry for what I said about you when I thought you were dying.
	...

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