380 SelfWork: How to Get to Forgiveness - Through Anger and Empathy
The SelfWork Podcast
Margaret Robinson Rutherford PhD
4.8 • 1.3K Ratings
🗓️ 9 February 2024
⏱️ 23 minutes
🧾️ Download transcript
Summary
I’ve stayed away from the topic of forgiveness here on SelfWork. Why? Because the word itself means very different things to different people – especially due to your culture or religious belief. But this week, I received an email from a listener that was so poignant AND was about forgiveness, that I’ve decided to talk about it, I've learned that there are emotions that are are important to acknowledge and work through in order to “get” to forgiveness. What are those emotions? Anger. And empathy.
Let me say first… forgiveness isn’t an emotion. It’s a decision. A decision based on your beliefs, yes. But also based on information and emotional processing. And forgiveness doesn’t mean returning to or trying to be okay with abuse or manipulation.
So today once again, thank you to this listener for allowing us into her life in such a meaningful way. And I invite all of you to do the same – email me at askdrmargaret@drmargaretrutherford.com.
Vital Links:
Check out the work of Karla McLaren on anger and forgiveness.
Dr. John Sommers-Flannagan's work on forgiveness
Advertiser’s Links:
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You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!
My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.
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Transcript
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| 0:00.0 | This is self-work and I'm Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Here at self-work we discuss psychological and emotional issues and what you can do about them. |
| 0:15.8 | Whether that's learning self-acceptance, taking action, or seeking therapy or treatment. |
| 0:21.5 | Eight years ago, I extended the walls of my practice to reach those of you |
| 0:25.0 | who are already very knowledgeable about mental health treatment but also to those of you |
| 0:29.5 | who might say you'd never darken the door of a therapist. |
| 0:33.2 | And yet you are here. |
| 0:35.1 | I'll answer your questions. |
| 0:36.4 | While I invite you to take a few minutes |
| 0:38.7 | for your own self-work. |
| 0:47.9 | When I read that, that's when I knew I needed to talk about forgiveness. To me, it sounds like her dilemma is this. How can I know my mom's backstory and keep on setting boundaries with her. If I understand and have |
| 0:56.0 | empathy for her given what happened to her or might still be a struggle for her, how do I then |
| 1:01.3 | not let down those boundaries? |
| 1:04.0 | Welcome to this week's edition of Self Work. |
| 1:08.0 | I've always stayed away from the topic of forgiveness here on self-work. Why? Because the word itself |
| 1:15.3 | means very different things to different people, especially due to their culture |
| 1:20.1 | or religious belief. But this week I received an email from a listener that was so |
| 1:25.2 | poignant and was about forgiveness that I've decided to talk about it. Talk about |
| 1:31.0 | moving ahead, whatever you want to call it. But put it in the context of |
| 1:35.6 | relationship boundaries and the emotions that as a therapist I've learned are |
| 1:40.3 | important to acknowledge and work through in order to get to forgiveness. |
| 1:45.6 | Let me say first and foremost, forgiveness isn't an emotion. |
| 1:50.3 | It's a decision. |
... |
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