307: Why Intimacy Feels SO Good With the WRONG People – Shan Boodram

Love Life With Matthew Hussey

Matthew Hussey

Relationships, Society & Culture

4.8 • 2.9K Ratings

🗓️ 30 July 2025

⏱️ 76 minutes

🔗️ Recording | iTunes | RSS

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Summary

Why do we sometimes get ghosted or friend-zoned after intimacy? How can we navigate mismatched libidos, steer clear of toxic intimacy the wrong people, or keep the spark alive in long-term relationships?

In this episode, Matthew and Audrey sit down with Shan Boodram, a certified sex educator and relationship expert with an M.S. in psychology, for a candid conversation about sex, intimacy, and the unspoken dynamics that shape our love lives.

Topics covered:

• Why sex doesn’t always lead to commitment.

• How to confidently communicate your boundaries and desires.

• The psychology behind mismatched libidos and how to address them.

• Why toxic relationships can feel so good (and how to break the cycle).

• Tips for reigniting passion in long-term relationships.

Resources mentioned:

>>Don’t sweat summer nights. Cozy Earth’s ultra-soft, cooling sheets turn summer sleep into pure comfort. Get 40% off with code LOVELIFE – cozyearth.com

>> Access Shan Boodram’s resources (including the free quiz she mentioned in this episode) – loversbyshan.com

>>Try Matthew AI (and ask any relationship question for free) – AskMH.com

Transcript

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0:00.0	Today's guest is Shan Budram. She is a certified sex educator, sexologist, TV personality,
0:12.3	YouTuber and all-round rock star of sex education. Both Audrey and I sat down for this interview
0:20.6	where we go in depth on sex in dating,
0:25.4	why people go cold after sex, what to do when you want to wait to have sex and build a connection
0:31.8	first, but you feel like the other person is in a rush, sex in relationships, jealousy around sex, jealousy around past sexual partners,
0:41.9	how to bring up fantasies. We covered so much ground in this interview and it really was a fantastic
0:51.1	conversation. I know you're going to love it. So sit down, grab a notepad,
0:56.4	and enjoy this conversation with Shan Budra. We had a few questions that I thought were like a great place to start.
1:26.4	Why do I always get ghosted or friend zoned after sex?
1:32.5	Ooh, post nut clarity. Long story short, right? For a lot of people, the pursuit of sex is the fun part of it. And there's also studies that will show
1:47.4	that people, particularly men, will tend to have sex with people that they don't necessarily
1:52.3	think are good romantic partners. So in a traditional sense, women tend to have sex with people
1:58.3	that are either equal to their standards or above their standards, whereas men tend to have sex with people that are either equal to their standards or above their
2:01.8	standards, whereas men tend to have sex of people who are equal below, way below, like someone
2:08.9	that they just met 10 minutes ago.
2:10.3	So it's also a bit of it, too, is that it's not necessarily having sex with you that
2:14.2	change their perception of you.
2:15.9	It's that they already decided, you know,
2:17.8	what capacity you guys can have a connection. And then this was just an opportunity to see if you
2:21.8	can extend that for, you know, seven to 12 minutes, which is the average time it takes for people
2:26.1	to orgasm. But I think that it's important to note that I think the decision is usually
2:31.2	had an advance of where this relationship is going to go.
	...

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