One of the biggest things to remember about the disease of addiction is that it loves to lie to you. Addiction has no shame either - it will lie straight to your face and use the one you love most to get the biggest impact. Here are three of the biggest lies to look for when you love an alcoholic or substance abuser.

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1. It is my fault he drinks too much.

It was much easier to blame myself for my ex-husband's drinking issues than to think he was out of control. I was willing to take the blame. To own the responsibility. It was my fault. Somehow, some way… I caused this to happen.

What a scam. What a big fat lie this disease tries to make you believe.

Are you taking the blame, my sweet friend? Are you owning your partner's baggage? You can't do that. You've got to lay it down. Because last time I checked, you weren't holding a bottle up to your loved one's mouth. You weren't the one buying drugs or suggesting he or she goes out to party.

Your reactions to your partner's disease are NOT the reason he or she turns to the bottle or drugs or pornography.

Trying harder, looking for the secret formula, or fixing is not going to make a difference. Spinning your wheels into exhaustion can only lead to resentment and anger.

Next time your partner drinks, uses, or turns to his or her bad habits, please remember, my sweet friends – it's not your fault.

2. If they love me (and the kids) enough, he or she will stop.

You might think that if your loved one chooses the bottle over you, that means they don't love you. You might be feeling lost and confused and sick of the excuses.

You may have spent so much time trying to convince your partner that he or she needs help because you need them to get better

If you just tried harder at pleasing him or her – if you acted happier or if you were a better wife or mother he or she would be able to walk away from the drugs or alcohol.

These are such lies. And you are a smart enough woman to understand that. Don't fall for it.

3. My partner will quit if I...

...beg, yell, shame, plead, threaten to leave, lose weight, tell their family, start to earn more money, stop talking to them, move to another location, or whatever you need to fill in the blank with.

Nothing you did causes your partner to drink or use drugs and nothing you could do with cause your partner to quit. It's just that simple

I held onto these lies for years. Guarded them with my life. But now I understand that they are not true.

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If you're ready to make your healing as important as your partner's sobriety – we are waiting for you. Our programs are online, confidential, and you have lifetime access – so you can do them at your own pace.

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