There's a popular expression that says there are two sides to every story. The reason it's popular is because it's true. Usually, during conflict in a marriage, there is responsibility that needs to be owned by both husband and wife.

And as some of you know, I was once married to a good man who suffers with addiction and alcoholism. I'm now remarried and have six beautiful children.

I wondered if that statement above was true with addiction. Do I have any responsibility for my partner's drinking or drug use? Is it really my fault he makes hurtful choices? Should I carry this guilt around that weighs a ton? When he cuts me with his words, did I do something to deserve it?

After a deep and long search of my heart, I decided to give back the responsibility of his life to him. That's exactly where it belongs. I refused to own someone else's choices.

But my healing doesn't end there.

I went deeper… because not owning my ex-husband's addiction wasn't enough. I knew I had responsibility for my own choices. The yelling, the blaming, the threatening to leave but always returning.

Why was I so afraid to leave?

Do you want to know? There were four very ugly reasons I continued to put up with his verbal abuse, lies, and constant rejection.

And before I tell you, I have to say I do feel a little vulnerable. They are not pretty reasons. Owning them shows off my darker side. So, I'm holding on to hope that you, sweet reader, will remember that we don't do judgment in our community. Or if you do judge me, don't tell me about it. :)

Now, I want to tell you one more thing before I get into the reasons why I stayed for over ten years in a very destructive marriage filled with addiction.

The main reason I stayed was because I loved him.

I really loved him. And I loved his potential. And even though I left, I still do believe in his potential.

When I took self-inventory why I was continuing to tolerate his behavior in my life, I identified my top four reasons:

I was scared to upset anyone and say no.

I wanted to please everyone. I was scared of upsetting my in-laws, my parents, my friends, my children's teachers, and my children. I was considerate of everyone's feelings about my future but my own.

His sickness made me feel important and needed.

I felt wanted when he needed help. It felt good when he apologized. It gave me a sense of purpose to run in and try to save the day. To be the rescuer.

Most of the time I could always compare myself to him and feel superior.

It was so much easier to get on my high horse and guilt him, blame him, or lecture him about his actions and choices. Never mind the fact that I was blaming, lecturing, or yelling. I didn't have to look at my poor choices because his were so much worse.

Lastly, it was very convenient to be in love with someone with a disease so the blame and focus were always on him.

...and never on my issues. Hiding behind this disease can be a convenient place to live. All the blame for our bad habits, our unhappiness, and our problems become about our partner's addiction or drinking. And I'm not saying that it isn't a reason to be unhappy. I promise.

Oh, my goodness, it is so hard loving someone who has a problem with drugs or alcohol.  But...

We need to take a look at the baggage we brought into this relationship.

Not very pretty, right?  But telling the truth can set you free.

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If you're ready to make your healing as important as your partner's sobriety – we are waiting for you. Our programs are online, confidential, and you have lifetime access – so you can do them at your own pace.

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