#247: Is It Your Anxious Attachment... or the Wrong Relationship?
On Attachment
Stephanie Rigg
4.9 • 1.2K Ratings
🗓️ 7 April 2026
⏱️ 16 minutes
🧾️ Download transcript
Summary
In today’s episode, we’re unpacking one of the most common (and confusing) questions for people with anxious attachment: is it me, or is there something genuinely not right in this relationship?
When you’re used to second-guessing yourself, it can be incredibly hard to know whether your fears and insecurities are coming from your own patterns—or from dynamics that would leave anyone feeling unsafe or unsettled.
In this episode, I explore why this question is so difficult to answer, the role of self-doubt and emotional invalidation, and how to find a more grounded, balanced perspective. I also share some clear examples of behaviours that are likely to create insecurity in any relationship, regardless of your attachment style.
We cover:
- Why “is it me or them?” is such a common source of rumination
- The role of self-doubt and self-invalidation in anxious attachment
- The middle ground between dismissing your feelings and being led by them
- Why relationship dynamics are almost always co-created
- Examples of behaviours that are objectively difficult to build a secure relationship around
- How inconsistency and unpredictability activate anxious attachment patterns
- The importance of zooming out and looking at the big picture
- When anxiety is a signal of deeper relational misalignment
Resources
Transcript
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| 1:00.1 | Hey everybody, welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. |
| 1:03.9 | In today's episode, we are talking about how to know if the things that you're experiencing |
| 1:09.2 | are because of your anxious attachment patterns. |
| 1:11.7 | So the fears, the insecurities, the intrusive thoughts, all of that, is that because of your |
| 1:18.0 | anxious attachment or is there something going on in your relationship that is genuinely not |
| 1:22.7 | okay, that feels emotionally unsafe, which is a long-winded way of saying, is it me or them? And that is |
| 1:28.9 | something that I've been asked more times than I could ever tell you. It is one of the most common |
| 1:33.9 | points of rumination for folks with anxious attachment patterns is like, how do I know if basically, |
| 1:39.6 | is this all in my head? Is this just because I'm insecure and this is what my brain and nervous |
... |
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