230 - The Shame Triangle: The Inner War That's Keeping You Stuck w/ Jessica Fern & David Cooley
Adult Child
Andrea Ashley
4.9 • 1.9K Ratings
🗓️ 13 May 2026
⏱️ 78 minutes
🧾️ Download transcript
Summary
The voice beating you up, the shame absorbing it, the part that doesn't want you to feel it — that's the triangle you're trapped in.
Jessica Fern is a certified clinical trauma therapist, David Cooley is a restorative justice practitioner, and together they co-authored Polywise. In their most recent book, Transforming the Shame Triangle, they take Karpman's classic drama triangle and flip it inward to capture the inner dynamic that keeps trauma survivors stuck. Through a parts work lens, they show how to work with the inner critic, shame, and escaper to find true healing.
✨ What this episode explores
▪️How the Shame Triangle Starts — Why the cycle almost always kicks off with the inner critic firing first, even when what you notice is the escape behavior.
▪️The Critic That's Still in the Room — Why people with parents, partners, or bosses actively criticizing them often feel pure shame instead of a strong inner voice.
▪️The Hidden Shame of Under-Functioning — Why being the "lazy" one carries a layer of self-judgment that over-functioners never have to face
▪️ The Symptoms That Aren't the Problem — Why the behaviors that get you diagnosed (perfecting, numbing, raging, zoning) are downstream of the part actually driving the cycle.
▪️ Inner Critic to Inner Coach — What it actually takes to transform the voice tearing you down into something on your side
▪️ Impact vs. Wrongdoing — Why telling a part of you "you wronged me" keeps the cycle alive, and the restorative justice reframe that breaks it.
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🎧 If this episode resonated, you might also love:
▪️ Ep 101 | The Neuroscience of Toxic Shame w/ Robyn Gobbel
▪️ Ep 137 | Healing The Inner Child Through Parts Work w/ Michelle Chalfant
▪️ Ep 215 | Repeat or Recover w/ Dr. Tian Dayton: The Cost of Relational Trauma
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Transcript
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| 1:03.9 | You can save on the next trip you book. |
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| 1:08.6 | Just join. |
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... |
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