The dysfunctioner

The dysfunctioner homes impacted us, but so did the way it was communicated or not communicated at all.

In a healthy family, what's happening in the

home gets shared with kids in age-appropriate ways, enough that they can make sense of their

world, not so much that they become responsible for it. But that's not what most of us got.

We either got way too much or nothing at all. When your parent shared too much, your parent told you about the affair,

they cried to you about your other parent, they shared their financial stress or mental

health struggles with you, you mediated their arguments, heard things no kids should hear

and became their emotional support system. You were their therapist, their confidant,

their safe place.

This teaches you that your feelings don't matter as much as theirs do, that loves me and carrying someone else's weight, that you earn love by being useful, and that if you stop holding everything

together, people will fall apart or leave. You also lose the parent-child relationship entirely.

They make you their peer,

and you never get to just have a parent. And in some cases, you're handed one parent's version of the other parent and never get the chance to form your own relationship with them.

How this shows up in adulthood, gravitating towards partners who need saving, not knowing how to receive support

because you've only ever given it, difficulty relaxing in relationships without a role to play,

resentment you can't quite name because you're exhausted but don't know how to stop, poor boundaries

around other people's emotions, feeling responsible for how everyone around you feels. When your parent didn't share

enough, nobody talked about anything. You could feel attention, see the dysfunction,

sense that something was wrong, but it was never acknowledged. Questions were shut down,

feelings weren't discussed, the family operated on an unspoken rule, we don't talk

about this, everything is fine. This teaches you that your own perception isn't reliable,

...