#228: When You Want More Words of Affirmation — But Don’t Want to Ask (Ask Steph)

On Attachment

Stephanie Rigg

Relationships, Society & Culture

4.9 • 1.2K Ratings

🗓️ 29 January 2026

⏱️ 8 minutes

🔗️ Recording | iTunes | RSS

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Summary

In this Ask Steph episode, I respond to a listener question about wanting more words of affirmation from a partner — but not wanting to feel like you're constantly asking for it.

This is a really common tension, especially for people with anxious attachment. On one hand, words of affirmation genuinely matter. On the other, asking for them can feel exposing, needy, or like you’re trying to force something that should come naturally.

In this episode, I unpack why this dynamic is rarely about someone “withholding” affection, and how the way we ask (or don’t ask) can either make it feel safer or riskier for our partner to express verbally.

Rather than offering scripts or communication hacks, this conversation focuses on the deeper relational pieces that often get missed — including how we receive affirmation, how defensiveness shuts down vulnerability, and what it means to take responsibility for your needs without self-abandoning.

Transcript

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0:00.0	Hey everybody, welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode of Ask
0:05.2	Steph, I'm answering the question of how do I get my partner to express more words of affirmation
0:10.3	without me having to ask all the time? So this is going to be one that so many of you will relate to,
0:15.6	I'm sure. Anxiously Attached people tend to love words of affirmation, myself included. It's certainly up there with my
0:22.7	top love languages. Feeling directly, overtly, expressly seen and acknowledged, whether that's a
0:30.7	compliment on your appearance or an acknowledgement of love or your value or a compliment about something that you've done really well or that
0:39.7	you're good at or whatever, that can feel so validating and it can feel really regulating for someone
0:48.4	with anxious attachment patterns because it's kind of an express acknowledgement of reassurance. So it's not just like a nice to have.
0:57.5	It can actually serve deeper purposes for people with anxious attachment. If you're feeling a little wobbly or insecure,
1:03.3	having someone say, like, I love you so much, I really appreciate everything that you do for me,
1:09.3	or I'm so lucky to have you, or you look so
1:11.7	beautiful today, that is like balm for the soul. It's not just like, oh yeah, a compliment
1:17.0	washes over me and I move on. That's likely to really sink in and really be very meaningful
1:22.3	for someone with anxious attachment patterns. Of course, where it gets a little tricky is that
1:27.3	people with avoidant attachment patterns, who we, where it gets a little tricky is that people
1:27.6	with avoidant attachment patterns who we tend to be in relationship with, if you're someone who's
1:32.5	more anxious, likely that you're with a partner who's more avoidant. Avoidant folks tend not to
1:39.1	really value words of affirmation so much themselves and it tends to be pretty unnatural for them to
1:45.8	lavish praise upon a partner or to be super expressive verbally in giving compliments and reflecting
1:52.4	all of those things from what we know about avoiding detachment and its origins it's unlikely
1:57.1	that your partner was raised in a household where there was lots of emotional
2:02.0	expressiveness and verbal recognition and all of those things that can often be turned away
	...

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