#226: “If They Wanted To, They Would” (Ask Steph)
On Attachment
Stephanie Rigg
4.9 • 1.2K Ratings
🗓️ 22 January 2026
⏱️ 6 minutes
🧾️ Download transcript
Summary
In this Ask Steph episode, I share my perspective on the phrase “if they wanted to, they would” — and why it’s sometimes helpful, but often oversimplified.
I talk about the difference between basic effort and genuine capacity, and why assuming someone’s behaviour always reflects a lack of care or love can miss what’s really going on. We explore how attachment patterns, protective strategies, and stress responses shape how people show up in relationships — often in ways that can’t be changed through willpower alone.
This episode is about shifting the focus from judging someone’s intentions to getting clear on your own boundaries, non-negotiables, and whether a relationship works for you as it is — or not.
Transcript
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| 0:00.0 | Hey everybody, welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode of Ask |
| 0:04.5 | Steph, I am answering the listener question of, what do you think about the phrase if they |
| 0:10.2 | wanted to, they would? So this is a phrase that bounces around a lot online. You've probably |
| 0:15.9 | heard of it. But basically, the idea is if someone wanted to do something, they would. |
| 0:21.3 | So if they're not doing it, it's because they don't want to. |
| 0:24.0 | They don't care. |
| 0:25.2 | They're not invested. |
| 0:26.4 | You know, they don't love you, whatever. |
| 0:28.4 | And I certainly have some thoughts on this. |
| 0:30.9 | Okay. |
| 0:31.2 | So to start, I think we have to distinguish between different situations and different maybe |
| 0:36.4 | levels of effort. So if we are talking about, |
| 0:39.3 | you know, if someone wanted to answer the phone when you ring them, they would. I think that |
| 0:46.1 | that's probably true. And to the extent that someone is really denying you bare minimum courtesy |
| 0:53.1 | and effort, whether that's in a relationship or in early dating, |
| 0:58.1 | there's probably some truth to the fact that someone's level of effort, as you've observed it, |
| 1:03.5 | reflects their level of interest. So if you're in the early stages of dating and you have |
| 1:10.5 | no idea what's going on and someone messages |
| 1:12.4 | you once every two weeks after you matched on an app, it's probably safe to assume that they're |
| 1:17.4 | not terribly interested. And if they were interested, then they would be showing that through |
| 1:21.9 | demonstrated consistent effort and you wouldn't be left guessing. So I think in that sort of scenario, |
| 1:27.1 | that if they wanted to, |
... |
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