223. Q+A: "We’re In A Sex Lull & He Won’t Initiate..."

Honeydew Me

Cassandra Anderson

Self-improvement, Education, Sexuality, Health & Fitness

4.8 • 533 Ratings

🗓️ 16 July 2025

⏱️ 53 minutes

🔗️ Recording | iTunes | RSS

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Summary

In this week's episode we're answering one of YOUR questions with a combination of expert tips and personal experience. The Question: “Hi there! Been a looooong time listener of the pod and have a question/need for advice. My fiancé and I have been together for almost 4 years, we’re in a super healthy relationship, and I feel very happy with him. The last few months or so, our sex life has been a little less than normal and less than what I hoped for. We still have satisfying sex, but not as frequently, and it’s pretty formulaic—we go to what we know works. I feel like I’m initiating more (probably 80% me, 20% him), and because of that, I get told no more, which never feels good. I’ve been wanting to get out of this lull to make our sex life fantastic again. Then a few days ago, I woke up and saw him looking at sexual reels of Instagram models, saving and screenshotting them. He didn’t know I could see his screen, and I haven’t said anything. We both watch porn and have talked about boundaries—this doesn’t cross any, but I still feel so bad/jealous/insecure. I think it’s because when we talk about porn abstractly, it’s easier to process, but actually seeing it hurt my feelings. My brain keeps telling me the story that he has sexual feelings about these women that he doesn’t seem to have about me, and I hate that thought. I’m upset with him, which isn’t fair because he didn’t break my trust, but it really sucked to see. I’m feeling like I don’t want to be affectionate right now. I wish I could be more evolved about this, and I’d love your perspective/advice on how to move past this and not be so hurt by something very normal.” What We Cover in This Episode: How to get out of a sex lull. Whether things have gotten routine or you're not having sex as often as you'd like, we share ways to shift the energy and reignite desire. Rethinking what it means to initiate sex. Initiation doesn’t always have to be physical or as blunt as "want to have sex?" We walk through ways to initiate that feel natural, playful, and pressure-free. How to figure out what your partner needs (without guessing). Questions to ask, things to notice, and ways to open up honest convo about how he experiences intimacy and desire. Tools to navigate rejection without resentment. We share strategies to help both partners handle “not tonight” moments with care, like setting expectations, creating opt-in moments, and building connection even when sex isn’t on the table. When he’s looking at Instagram models...what does it mean and what should you do? We unpack the feelings that come up when your partner engages with sexual content online, how to rework boundaries around it, and what to say if it hurts, even if it technically doesn’t “break a rule.” Specific phrases to help you start and steer the conversation. We give you language you can borrow or tweak, including a mini role-play of how we’d personally approach this chat. Tools to spice things up and try something new. From foreplay ideas to spicy games, we suggest ways to add novelty, connection, and fun back into your routine. A big heaping dose of validation, because this is hard. If you’re the one initiating most of the time, feeling rejected, or wondering if it’s even okay to bring this up, you’re not alone, and you’re not asking for too much. ⁠Subscribe to our Patreon for downloadables, extended episodes, video episodes + more!⁠ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Transcript

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0:00.0	One in a million.
0:02.0	You're a jam shine when the light grows dim. See one, two, three, four, three, two, one. Because no one can do it like we do it, like we do it, like we do it, like we do it. Because no one can do it like we do it, like we do it, like we do it. All right. I'll start. Hello. Welcome to Honeydumie podcast. I'm Cass.
0:21.1	And I'm Emma, and this is our podcast where we talk about sex, relationships, friendships,
0:25.3	mental health, and how all of these things can be amazing, but they can also be a little
0:31.9	sticky. And sometimes we feel a little bit of shame around our bodies, our relationships,
0:36.8	our sex lives. And that can make us feel a little bit alone. And we don't want you to feel alone because we're right there with you. You're not special. You're not special. That's our favorite saying. You're not special. And we mean that in the most loving, kind way because it means we can all relate. Yeah. It means any shitty, weird, embarrassing thing you're going through. Yeah, sister, we're right there with you. Emma likes it when I say sister. I love when you have a secret for me, sister. I love it. I don't know where it's coming from, but it's here now. And we're also told that all of those things should be really easy. They should come naturally and if they don't, there's something wrong. But that's just not the case. Sex is a learned skill. Relationships are a learned skill. I'm sorry. If you want to have a relationship like they did 300 years ago, I'm not interested. I'm not fucking interested. Also, let me go on this for a second. Because you know I hate this. You know I hate this. When people talk about health stuff and they're like, well, that's not how they used to live. They also used to die at 25. Yep. Yes. They used to fucking die at 25. So don't tell me. Don't tell me. You want that health span, sister. We don't tell me. Don't tell me that. No. Emma's showing her little disco ball fingers if you're looking at us on video. A different video. But my disco ball is shedding and the sticky little squares are now stuck to my fingers because it makes me feel good. But that is what I'm going to do. And I'm going to raise these disco balls, these tiny little disco balls when I agree vehemently.
2:01.7	And here I am.
2:02.3	Vemently.
2:03.2	Here I am. So that's my little, that's my thing. I bring it up all the time. My family's very irritated at me about it. I love it. Thank you for sharing. I think it's bullshit. I think it's bullshit too. Well, today is one of our favorite types of episodes to do. But before we jump in, I really need to tell you this one thing that I did that I can't stop thinking about.
2:20.6	Okay. favorite types of episodes to do. But before we jump in, I really need to tell you this one thing that I did that I can't
2:19.7	stop thinking about.
2:21.2	Okay.
2:21.5	Because I've been waiting to tell you.
2:23.5	So I got, tell me.
2:24.3	I went on a date last week.
2:26.5	And the guy that I was with, we were talking about movies and we were talking about, like,
2:33.1	our favorite comedy movies that we
2:35.1	enjoy and we brought up horrible bosses because that's just a perfect comedy movie. And we were
2:40.7	talking about like our favorite lines. He's like giving us like, oh yeah, I love the like bend you over
2:45.3	the barrel and show you the 50 states and like all of these ones that are like kind of classic.
2:50.3	Yeah. But like not super vulgar.
2:53.4	Okay.
	...

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