Hi everyone this is savvy psychologist I'm Dr Ellen Hendrickson and every week I'll help

you meet life's challenges with evidence-based research, a sympathetic ear, and zero judgment.

Now a few weeks ago on this podcast we tackled the question of when to push versus

when to rest and this prompted a related question from listener Marissa in Richmond

Virginia and she asked where the line falls between holding

yourself to high standards versus practicing self-compassion? And I love this because it's a

rich, juicy question. and the way I read it

Marissa is asking two things. So first is when do I push myself to do better, to go

farther, and when do I back off and say I am enough. Now secondly she's asking

when do I treat myself with compassion so let's tackle that one first because the short answer is always but maybe not in the way that you think

So let me explain it is super common to conflate self-compassion with letting yourself off the hook.

But researcher and psychologist Dr. Kristen Neff, who pioneered the notion of self-compassion, makes a distinction between self-compassion and self-indulgence.

In her writing, she cautions against interpreting self-compassion as, say, I'm stressed out today, so to be kind to myself I'll just watch TV all day and eat a

quart of ice cream.

Along the same lines, it's important not to interpret self-compassion as I'm uncertain and worried about

reaching my high standards so I'm going to be kind to myself by giving myself a

pass not so fast. Self-compassion doesn't mean you can give up on quitting smoking, working on

your term paper, or getting to work on time. Nor does it make those things fun or relaxing?

But self-compassion allows you some kindness and support as you

tackle the challenge. In other words, self-compassion doesn't necessarily mean choosing the easiest or most pleasurable path, it simply

means choosing the kindest. Specifically, think about how you would talk with someone

you care about, a good friend or a child as they face a challenge, a worry, or a difficult

...