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On Attachment

#207: Why You Feel Secure When You’re Single (But Anxious When You Start Dating)

On Attachment

Stephanie Rigg

Relationships, Society & Culture

4.9 • 1.2K Ratings

🗓️ 23 September 2025

⏱️ 14 minutes

🔗️ Recording | iTunes | RSS

🧾️ Download transcript

Summary

If you’ve ever felt calm and confident when you’re single, only to find yourself spiralling into anxiety the moment you start dating, there’s a good reason for it.

In this episode, I share why this shift happens — and why it’s completely normal if you have an anxious attachment style. Attachment patterns are relational, which means they tend to lie dormant when we’re on our own. But as soon as we have something (or someone) at stake, we feel more vulnerable. The more we care, the more our protective strategies kick in — sometimes in big, overwhelming ways.

This episode is a reassuring reminder that there’s nothing “wrong” with you for feeling this way — it’s simply your nervous system doing its job in trying to keep you safe when things start to feel risky. 

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Transcript

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0:00.0

Hey guys, Steph here. Before today's episode begins, I just wanted to pop in with a quick and time-sensitive announcement.

0:07.2

For 72 hours only, I am running a flash sale where you can save 40% of my signature course, Healing Anxious Attachment.

0:14.3

If you're hearing this, it means that the sale is still live, but only for a very limited time.

0:19.3

I hardly ever run public flash sales like this,

0:21.7

so if you've been thinking about joining, now is the time. Head to the link in the show notes

0:26.4

or go directly to my website to grab your spot before the sale ends. All right, let's get into the

0:31.4

episode. You're listening to On Attachment, a place to learn about how attachment shapes the way we experience relationships and where you'll gain the guidance, knowledge and practical tools to overcome insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships.

0:52.1

I'm your host, Relationship Coach Stephanie Rigg, and I'm really glad you're here.

1:01.0

Hey everybody, welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, I am answering

1:06.6

the question of why you feel secure when you're single, but anxious when you start dating.

1:12.7

So this is one that I get a lot. People will reach out to me, whether students in my programs

1:17.9

or people on Instagram or elsewhere, with this experience of like, I feel great when I'm single.

1:23.7

I feel like I'm totally in control and I've got my shit together and I'm good at my job and it

1:28.8

feels like life is kind of going well. Everything is smooth sailing and then as soon as I

1:34.7

start seeing someone start talking to someone on an app that I'm interested in, maybe I go on a

1:39.8

couple of dates and I lose the plot. I am totally beside myself with anxiety. I spiral into this anxious

1:47.2

mess and I hardly recognize myself. What is going on? I thought that I was making strides and I was

1:53.1

suddenly secure and then actually I feel really disheartened because it turns out all of my

1:57.9

anxious patterns were just lying dormant beneath the surface waiting to be

2:01.1

activated by some new connection. So what gives, what's going on? Why is that happening? So maybe that's

2:08.4

something that you relate to. I know that it is really common. And I'm going to be sharing some

2:12.9

thoughts today on why that actually makes perfect sense. That is not at all confusing or perplexing to me.

...

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