When I started dating, my mama told me one thing that changed my entire life. You gotta love yourself more than the need to be loved by other people. And for a long time, I said, now what the fuck does that actually mean? And what it actually means is that you have to be okay to lose other people. If you're not okay with that, then what ends up happening is you lose yourself trying to keep these people in your life. And today, today we're going to help you to stop doing that because today is the first step. Hello, hello, hello. Welcome to another episode

of the Sabrina Zohar show. My name is Sabrina Zohar and I am your host. Hi friends. Welcome back to

another bonus episode. We're in the trenches together, y'all. I'm so excited. And don't worry, babies. We listened. We heard you guys. A lot of you said you wanted shorter, bite-sized questions, not these long emails as often. So we're going to start to mix it up because your feedback does really matter to us when it's appropriately communicated, right? Because that's the one thing I've been learning about the Internet is that not everybody talks in the same way. So I heard you guys and we're going to get into it. And there was that common theme throughout every one of these questions as I'm scared of losing the other person. And it's like, but what at what expense, right? And so we're going to talk about all of that. And guys, as always, if you need anything, please don't forget, rate and review the show, share it with a friend. It's the easiest and the free thing that you could do, and it helps more than you will ever know. Mark, this is finished. Listen to the whole thing if you can. It really helps us. And if you want to work one-on-one, you can ask a question, work one-on-one, join one of our courses. We got a free quiz right now on the website. What kind of lover are you? Or just be here. We do have ad free if you guys want that, or you can skip right through them if it's that much

of an issue. right now on the website, what kind of lover are you? Or just be here. We do have ad free if you guys

want that, or you can skip right through them if it's that much of an issue. But regardless of

it, choose your own adventure because we got options for you. All right, babies. Without further ado,

let's get right on into it, shall we? I love being in the trenches with you guys. And I've

genuinely tried to take the feedback that you guys offer. I know a lot of you say, I don't listen

because of the title but i don't know if everyone knows that there's like five or six questions

per I've genuinely tried to take the feedback that you guys offer. I know a lot of you say I don't listen because of the title, but I don't know if everyone knows that there's like five or six questions per episode. And so we kind of just come up with something for it to encompass everything that we're trying to talk about. But one thing that I learned on my healing journey was I thought I needed to isolate. And I was like, I just need my solo therapy and I need everything alone and I needed to be all about me, right? Like, oh, that podcast episode's not what I wanted to be about. Then I'm not listening. And what I realized was I was making everything so self-focused that I wasn't actually looking at other lived experiences, other perspective, other situations that happened to go, oh, that could explain why that person acted like that to me because, listen, this person's going through that. And so that's why I think community and being part of this and reading these questions is so helpful, even if it's not exactly what you're going through, it can still help in some way because it might unlock something that we see in someone else that maybe we just didn't see in ourselves. So I hope you guys love them. And I'm just, I'm excited. I'm excited about what's to come. We're in spring now, right? Like what a crazy time. Little life updates about me. Not much happening over here besides me trying to work through my own core beliefs and also to remember that there are people out there that just aren't going to be your people. And whether that be like, it's funny,

I made a video by the time it's kind funny, I made a video by the time this comes out, this is, you know, this video is long gone on the internet. But it was all about run if somebody does this. And it's a very specific behavior. And the people that were defending the behavior were the people going, well, I've been single for 10 years and the advice you're giving is so myopic. And it's like, wait, wait, you just said the magic word. I've been single for 10 years because you're excusing shitty behavior because you're saying, well, not everyone's perfect. And this isn't the end of the world. And it's like because you don't want to see how this type of behavior, how someone that discredits you, someone that doesn't take accountability, someone that doesn't take ownership, how that can mount over time. And that then starts to show us how that person shows up for us because then we can't be shocked when we're six months in, a year in, 10 years in, and you're like, I don't get it. This person doesn't validate my emotions. They don't validate my feelings. They don't take accountability for anything. It's like, we have to look at these things early on. And so I'm not trying to scare you. I'm trying to actually get you into the relationship you deserve. And so I hope that you guys know a lot of this stuff comes from a place of love and a lot of experience, whether that be personal or professional. So let's get into some questions, shall we? Hey, Sab. I just got out of a situation ship where the guy was so emotionally available over text. If you're watching this, you just saw my face drop. I'm talking deep conversations. Why, though? Sorry. First I'm reading these. You know, you're going to get my initial reaction and my ADHD brain. Vulnerability, telling me things he'd never told anyone. It felt like real intimacy.

But when it came to actual plans, prioritizing me or moving things around, nothing. I kept holding

on to the emotional connection because it felt so rare. How do you tell the difference between

someone who is genuinely connected with you and someone who is just using you as a distraction?

It's a valid question. And so this is why this episode is so heavily revolved around, am I losing myself,

am I self-abandoning, am I overperforming, am I not actually looking at what is being

presented to me?

Because what's happening here is exactly why I say, stop focusing so much on text messages.

It takes 10 seconds for someone to send you a text, right? That's the fucking verbiage I hear all the time. But look at this, right? Look at this example. This person text you every day. You keep vulnerable conversations. This person's always constantly calling you, but where the fuck are they when you need them? Where is this person when you say, I'd like to see you? Where is this person when you say I need you? I have, I'm hurting or I have something that I need your help with. Where is this person? Because it's so easy to be able to text somebody all fucking day, but where are they showing up? Attention versus intention are two separate things. Attention is, I want to text you, I want to call you because it satisfies my need in the moment. Intention is I'm going to be very specific with the communication that I have with you, but that's because I want to be intentional about the time that we also spend together so that we're not creating false senses of intimacy and I'm getting to know you for who you are. Because my next question to cue would be, let me ask you this, how deep are the conversations via text? Text has no tone. Text has no tonality. It has no facial expressions. It has no body language. And I get it, right? Because we create this fantasy version of somebody. So how do you know somebody is using you as a distraction is because they're not actually prioritizing you in their life. So they're using you for what benefits them. A friend of mine has a friend that's going through this right now. And she's been texting this guy and it's like morning and a night and they're texting all the time and he's never calling her by her first name. And it's like, yeah, he openly admitted to another friend that he calls girls babe because he doesn't want to forget who he's texting because he doesn't remember half their names. And like I know that we're looking at this being like,

what an asshole's like, but she's still engaging in it. She's still texting him and he makes all these plans, never follows through with them. He made like six plans in a row, never followed through, but he keeps texting her and making all these future plans. And so she's holding on to hope. Why? Why do we hold on to hope? Because holding on to hope allows us to avoid the reality of where we actually are. Hope releases dopamine and hope allows our brain to say, if I maybe do this, if I change the way I am, if I do this, it's a fantasy. And growing up, that fantasy kept you safe because we would internalize if I act different than maybe my caregiver would show up differently.

That never happens. And the reason that doesn't happen is because that's not how humans work,

unfortunately. You could try everything. You can change the way that you show up no matter what,

...