180: When People Push Your Buttons: The Power of Curiosity Over Control With Harvard Psychologist Dr. Stuart Ablon

The Best of You

Dr. Alison Cook

Mental Health, Health & Fitness

4.9 • 960 Ratings

🗓️ 16 October 2025

⏱️ 44 minutes

🔗️ Recording | iTunes | RSS

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Summary

What do you do when someone you love - whether it’s your kids, a spouse, or a friend - keeps doing the same maddening things? This week, we’re tackling how to approach the most frustrating dynamics in any relationship. Dr. Alison is joined by award-winning psychologist Dr. J. Stuart Ablon, founder of Think:Kids at Massachusetts General Hospital, and Associate Professor at Harvard Medical School. He shares a game-changing mindset shift: most challenging behavior is about skill, not will. If you’ve ever thought, “They just don’t care,” about someone you love, this conversation provides a proven, practical path to real solutions. This episode explores: The five core skills that drive every behavior The real reason most people struggle How to keep your cool and trade judgment for curiosity The exact words that lower defensiveness fast Why boundaries still matter—and how to set them collaboratively A step-by-step walkthrough of Collaborative Problem Solving in action For more from Dr. Stuart Ablon, check out his many free resources: 💡For free access to an interactive, self-paced course for parents, go to https://thinkkids.org/Self-Paced-Courses/Parent-Caregiver-Course/ Use code: BestofYou 🏥 Think: Kids at Massachusetts General Hospital 📚Changeable: How Collaborative Problem Solving Changes Lives at Home, at School, and at Work Here are some other episodes you might like : Episode 86: Embracing Conflict—Why It's Essential & 4 Simple Ways to Tackle It Episode 70: Mastering the Art of Emotional Intelligence—How to Harness the Power of Your Emotions to Improve Your Relationships 📖 Find a full transcript and list of resources from this episode here 💬 Got a question? Call 307-429-2525 and leave a message for a future episode. Thanks to our Sponsors! Go to ⁠Quince.com/bestofyou⁠ for 365-day returns, plus free shipping on your order! Head to cozyearth.com and use my code BESTOFYOU for 40% off! If you’re looking for a Bible that helps you live the Word, not just read it, then grab this beautiful one I’m currently using at NIVapplicationbible.com. *Some of the links above are Amazon affiliate links. If you choose to purchase through them, I may earn a small commission at no extra cost to you. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Transcript

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0:00.0	They don't really lack the will to behave. Well, it's not that simple. What they struggle with are the skills.
0:05.9	What I have to learn inside myself is what I'm ultimately modeling, especially for my kids. So what is that? What is that regulation?
0:13.9	I think empathy is the cornerstone of regulation in interactions between us humans.
0:21.6	Show me any kid or any adult who really struggles with their behavior.
0:25.6	And I will show you somebody who's struggling at
0:28.6	least one, if not five of those areas.
0:31.6	It's just confirmation that this is about skill not will.
0:46.9	Hey everyone and welcome back to this week's episode of The Best of You.
0:53.0	Today we are exploring a mindset shift that can transform the hardest moments with the people in your life, whether it's a child
0:55.3	melting down, a partner who shuts down, a colleague who stone walls, or a parent who pushes
1:01.0	your buttons. The shift is the simple idea that most challenging behaviors about skills,
1:08.1	not will. When someone repeatedly does that maddening thing that
1:13.4	drives us crazy, our brains tend to assign motive. We think they don't care about us. We think
1:19.2	they're being selfish or difficult. We think they're just trying to get their own way. We assume
1:24.6	ill intent. But what if instead we trained ourselves to ask what skill is missing
1:33.1	in this moment and how might we work with this other person to build that skill? My guest today
1:38.7	has spent three decades showing families, schools, workplaces, and systems how to do exactly that. Dr. J. Stuart
1:47.2	Ablon is a clinical psychologist and he's one of the leading voices on understanding and changing
1:53.6	concerning behavior in any setting. He's the founder and director of Think Kids in the Department
2:00.0	of Psychiatry at Massachusetts General
2:02.4	Hospital in Boston. He's an associate professor at Harvard Medical School, and he's the
2:08.6	developer and leading teacher of collaborative problem solving. The approach behind the mantra,
	...

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