Welcome back to the savvy psychologist. I'm Dr. Ellen Hendrickson and every week I'll help

you meet life's challenges with evidence-based research, a sympathetic ear, and zero judgment.

A toxic relative can blow up a Thanksgiving dinner, destroy a weekend visit, and leave a path of destruction through a family vacation.

They bring new meaning to the term nuclear family. And you can't cut the bad apples from the family tree,

but that doesn't mean you have to let their poison spread from branch to branch.

So this week, with big thanks to an anonymous listener in Vancouver, we'll talk about five ways to put a little or a lot of space between you and a toxic family member.

Option number one, to get started, get clarity.

With toxic family members, we are often blinded to reality.

Sometimes we're blinded to reality.

Sometimes we're blinded by optimism.

We overlook their latest shenanigans

because we just want to smooth things over.

We make excuses for them under the guise of hope.

We're loyal because their blood.

But sometimes we're blinded to the reality of the situation by resentment.

We ignore their efforts to reach out because we're holding a grudge. We think they're being manipulative or aren't capable of change. And often that's true, but sometimes it's not.

So start by trying to see things as they really are. A helpful way to do

this is to make a big list. On one side, write down the good times. Those times

you felt supported by them, they came through for you,

they apologized or reached out, or demonstrated a commitment to change.

On the other side, write out the bad times, the times they hurt you, ignored you when you needed help, or actively tried to undermine or control you.

Look both at frequency and magnitude.

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