Hello and welcome to episode 140 of regular features. I'm John Blythe, but you can call me Sugar Daddy Pepperdine.

The regular features team have been separated beyond any reasonable attempt to meet this week, so we were left with two choices.

The first choice was to not do a podcast, but after taking legal advice, this turned out to be against the human's rights acts as a display of intolerable cruelty. Or we could do a podcast, maybe a day

late, who knows, and build it from individually crafted sound files, hand-hewn into the most

pleasurable shape for your ears, and with a string at the the end so you can safely pull it out when you're finished.

So pop in your snorkels and wade ever inwards to this, the very first, nay-in-ogrel, regular features monosode.

It's a monosote, I said a monosode. What's a monosote? Well, nobody knows. I'm here alone in the regular features monosode HQ.

In front of me are four rubber statues of the regular features team.

Gav is on all fours.

Matt's bending over, pulling his butt cheeks apart.

My statue's just standing there, hand outstretched with an air of professionalism and dignity,

and Steve has been called cross-eyed and mid-helicopter with his dick at half-past five,

and both balls splayed crazily like a dog on a trampoline. I have to activate the statues to

summon the features. But how? How do I activate a statue of GAV on all fours,

his bumhole pointing straight at me? Perhaps if I just reach around here, just cup these?

And maybe if I just...

Oh, fuck!

So because of my recent relationship adjustment, I've decided to fill the gaping void in my soul

with a string of dalliances with women I met on the internet.

Namely, on an app that's called OKCupid, which is genuinely really, really good.

I haven't really had any horrible experiences yet, I'm sure that will come. But after meeting a bunch of ladies and it going well, like they've started telling me some of the horror stories they've had from online dating, proving again and again that men cannot be trusted with nice things. All that's that, you've created an app that will put me in touch with members of the opposite sex who are up for meeting new guys. And with a little bit of basic shrivelry, I could meet the woman of my dreams.

Oh, that sounds really good. What I'll probably do, though, right? Is use the app to be completing out to fucking creep? Is that all right? Yeah? Is that what you sort of had in mind? So yeah, pretty much every girl I've met at some proper horror stories. and actually some of the guys that I know have had some really, really shit first dates.

...