1285: Kalin Orgill Organ - Losing and Finding One's Self in Search of Truth Pt. 4

Mormon Stories Podcast

Dr. John Dehlin

Religion & Spirituality

4.5 • 5.7K Ratings

🗓️ 29 March 2020

⏱️ 66 minutes

🔗️ Recording | iTunes | RSS

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Summary

Periodically on Mormon Stories Podcast I try to interview “normal” or everyday Mormons about their faith journey – and in every case these “normal” Mormons turn out to be extraordinarily thoughtful and courageous. Today’s interview is no exception to this rule.

Today on Mormon Stories podcast I am interviewing Kalin Orgill Organ. Aside from Kalin being a super thoughtful and courageous human, Kalin’s story includes several important themes in modern Mormonism:

Kalin was raised in an orthodox Mormon home in California and in Highland, Utah – with seven siblings.
She was sexually abused as a child, which possibly awakened her to her own sexuality early than other children.
She began masturbating as a girl, before she even knew what the term meant. This instigated a multi-year effort between herself, her parents, and her Mormon bishop to try to stop the behavior, and to become “worthy” in God’s eyes.
Kalin “lost her virginity” as a Mormon teen, which, along with her inability to stop masturbating, only made her feel less worthy.
Kalin had doubts/questions as a Mormon teen, and even listened briefly to Mormon Stories podcast PRIOR to serving her mission. She fought hard to gain a testimony while on her mission.
Over time, three of Kalin’s siblings came out to her as LGBTQ, which multiplied her confusion and doubt.
After returning from a successful Mormon mission, Kalin married her husband Aaron in a Mormon temple, wherein they became to onlookers the “perfect Mormon couple.”
Over time, after a lifetime of struggling to feel worthy, Kalin’s doubts began to consume her, and she began to contemplate suicide as a Mormon wife and mother of two children.
Kalin is currently navigating a mixed-faith marriage, and remains an active non-literal believer in her Salt Lake City ward.

This is Kalin’s story – how she lost her orthodox Mormon faith, but found herself (and her own voice) in the process.

You will not be disappointed with this interview. I hope you will join us. And please spread the word if you can!

Transcript

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0:00.0	Thank you for joining us today on Mormon Stories Podcast. If you value this podcast and want
0:09.4	to see it continue, please become a monthly supporter at MormonStories.org.
0:15.1	And at the time, what did you attribute the depression to? Did you know?
0:19.8	I felt like it was postpartum depression and I felt like it was, you know, some of my
0:24.9	doubts that I was just, I felt miserable because the constant confusion in my mind was just
0:32.5	always present. And I wasn't even, I didn't even know about the issue, like the real issues,
0:36.6	like I was just struggling with what my mind was not able to connect the dots with, you
0:43.3	know, I didn't even know about most of the, the really, really troubling stuff.
0:48.7	Yeah. You know, so this is even before that. And again, it's all my fault. This is all
0:54.5	my fault. And Aaron from the beginning, and he'll be the first to admit he's come a long way.
0:59.1	And this was so hard for him in the beginning because just like I wanted to marry a very,
1:03.7	very faithful member who would never lose her faith, like he did too. And that was the deal.
1:08.3	The deal was that we got married in the temple and we made covenants and we were going to raise
1:13.5	our family in the church and you don't get to go back on that. You don't get to start having doubts.
1:18.1	You fight those and you stay true. And so it was hard for him. He kept telling me things like
1:25.2	it's just a choice. You just have to choose to believe. And as hard as I was trying, I was still
1:31.8	having doubts. And I felt like I was a horrible person for it. Like God must be so upset with me
1:39.3	after everything God's done with for me, letting me go on a mission, letting me, you know, these
1:43.9	experiences I had on my mission. And yet I'm still doubting him after all of this. Like God must be
1:50.4	so disappointed. And that's so, you know, and there's this book called The Backslider. One of my
1:56.9	early Mormon stories episodes is with an author named Levi Peterson wrote a book called The Backslider.
2:01.7	But it's this idea about a man who is a Mormon man is, you know, sinning, but then he becomes good
	...

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