#119 - Terry Real: Breaking the cycle of shame, anger, and depression

The Peter Attia Drive

Peter Attia, MD

Health & Fitness, Medicine, Fitness

4.7 • 7.3K Ratings

🗓️ 13 July 2020

⏱️ 100 minutes

🔗️ Recording | iTunes | RSS

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Summary

Terry Real, a renowned family therapist and best-selling author, helps people create the connections they desire in their relationships. In this episode, Terry describes how his upbringing with an abusive father forged his path to become a therapist, develop his Relational Life Therapy (RLT) framework, and write I Don't Want to Talk About It—a book that reveals the hidden legacy of male depression. Terry discusses the link between childhood trauma and the deep-rooted shame, anger, and depression, which can result in feeling disconnected. Using real-life examples, Terry explains how he implements RLT to confront trauma, discover its origin, and teach the skills to break the cycle of pain, in order to live a satisfying life.

We discuss:

Terry’s upbringing with a depressed and abusive father [3:15];
The importance of the repair process, after relational disharmony, to break the trauma cycle [15:15];
The impact of a patriarchal society, and relational growth as the next step for feminism [19:00];
Origins of deep-rooted shame, and the difference between feeling ashamed and feeling guilty [27:15];
Preventing the propagation of trauma without over-coddling kids [35:30];
The one-up/one-down cycle from grandiosity to shame [37:30];
Covert depression—Steps to fixing the secret legacy of male depression [40:00];
Three forms of false self-esteem [50:00];
Narcissism—A misunderstood concept [51:45];
The interplay of shame, anger, and grandiosity, and how to break the cycle [54:15];
The Relational Life Therapy framework [1:06:30];
How the adaptive child becomes the maladaptive adult [1:15:30];
Speaking the language of social relationships [1:21:45];
When does it make sense for a couple to separate? [1:26:30];
Witness abuse—Consequences of screaming at your partner in the presence of children [1:28:15];
Cases of instantaneous change, and other behavioral changes that may take more time [1:30:45];
Reconciling with his father—Terry’s final conversation with his dad [1:33:45]; and
More.

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Transcript

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0:00.0	Hey everyone, welcome to the Drive Podcast.
0:13.0	I'm your host, Peter Atia.
0:14.8	This podcast, my website, and my weekly newsletter, all focus on the goal of translating
0:18.7	the science of longevity into something accessible for everyone.
0:22.4	Our goal is to provide the best content in health and wellness, full stop, and we've
0:26.6	assembled a great team of analysts to make this happen.
0:29.4	If you enjoy this podcast, we've created a membership program that brings you far more
0:33.2	in-depth content if you want to take your knowledge of this space to the next level.
0:37.3	At the end of this episode, I'll explain what those benefits are, or if you want to learn
0:41.0	more now, head over to peteratiamd.com forward slash subscribe.
0:46.3	Now without further delay, here's today's episode.
0:51.0	My guess this week is author, speaker, and family therapist Terry Riel.
0:56.1	As a family therapist and teacher for more than 25 years, Terry's the best-selling author
1:00.7	of a number of books, including I don't want to talk about it, overcoming the secret
1:04.5	legacy of male depression.
1:06.3	How can I get through to you?
1:08.3	Reconnecting men and women, and I believe his most recent book is The New Rules of Marriage,
1:13.2	what you need to know to make love work.
1:15.9	Terry also founded the Relational Love Institute, offering workshops for couples, individuals,
1:21.5	and patients around the country, along with a professional training program for clinicians.
1:26.7	Now, if you've listened to this podcast for a while, I think on at least three or four
1:32.6	episodes, I have brought up Terry's name and his book, I don't want to talk about it,
	...

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