Yes, thank you very much.

Thank you.

Welcome.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Welcome to New York, and I'd like to welcome our new sponsor, U-Haul.

Happy Wednesday, everyone. Democratic Socialist Zohran Mom Donnie has been elected the mayor of New York City.

You know, I never thought I'd be reminiscing about the good old days when son of Sam was my dog walkers.

I haven't seen this many depressed New Yorkers since it got too chilly for me to wear bike shorts.

Seriously, I haven't seen this many terrified citizens since Joy Behar attacked the Empire State Building.

The fear of crime has gotten so bad,

the Statue of Liberty just bought a rape whistle.

You can tell Andrew Cuomo is depressed about his humiliating loss to Mom Donnie.

You know, maybe it's time for him to retire.

I know a few rest homes with plenty of vacancy.

In other news, a woman who ordered medicine by mail got a box of human fingers instead.

In a related story, Nancy Pelosi asked, where are my replacement fingers?

Speaking of Pelosi, sources say she will not seek re-election in 2026, although her face will.

And on Monday, she said President Trump is, quote, the worst thing on the face of the earth.

What's the second worst thing on earth, according to Pelosi? You guessed it.

Mirrors.

Kamala Harris had a busy weekend in California.

On Saturday, she attended the Yes on 50 rally.

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