You Keep Attracting the Wrong Person — The Attachment Explanation | ft. Eli Hardwood HTS #487

Heal Thy Self with Dr. G

Wellness Loud

Alternative Health, Health & Fitness

4.9 • 1.6K Ratings

🗓️ 25 May 2026

⏱️ 66 minutes

🔗️ Recording | iTunes | RSS

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Summary

Sponsored By: → Ora Organics | Head to https://ora.organic/pages/drg and use my code HEALTHYSELF30 to enjoy 30% off your first Ora order today. Episode Description The way you show up in relationships today was decided before you even knew how to speak. Eli Harwood is a licensed therapist, the creator of Attachment Nerd, and the author of How to Deal with Your (Anxiety, Anger, Self-Doubt, Insecurity, Trauma) So Your Kids Don't Have To. She spent nearly 20 years sitting with families watching parents who desperately wanted better for their children but had no roadmap for how to actually get there. This conversation goes deep into why 50% of us never experienced secure attachment, what that did to our sense of self, and what it actually takes to break the cycle before it passes to the next generation. In this episode, you'll discover: • Why chaos can feel more like home than safety, and why the people who confuse you are often more magnetic than the people who make you feel secure • What happens developmentally when a child grows up in an unpredictable home and how that wound silently shapes every relationship, every breakup, and every parenting moment that follows • The difference between intellectually knowing this work and actually doing it, and why your kids will find every unhealed part of you no matter what This one is for every parent, every soon to be parent, and every adult who is still trying to figure out why love feels so complicated. Find Eli: • Website: https://www.attachmentnerd.com • Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/attachmentnerd • TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@attachmentnerd • YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@attachmentnerd • Book: How to Deal with Your (Anxiety, Anger, Self-Doubt, Insecurity, Trauma) So Your Kids Don't Have To — https://www.amazon.com/Deal-Your-____-Kids-Dont/dp/1632175967 Timestamps: 0:00 - Intro 1:41 - Meet Eli Harwood: Licensed Therapist & Creator of Attachment Nerd 2:34 - Rapid Fire: Familiar vs. Safe, Anxiety vs. Love & Why "Boring" Partners Feel Wrong 8:18 - What Brought Her to This Work (Her Own Insecure Childhood) 10:33 - What Happens to a Child's Sense of Self When Parents Are Unavailable or Chaotic 12:22 - The Upside-Down Parent-Child Relationship: When Kids Take Care of Their Parents 16:27 - Children Know by Age One Whether Their Caregivers Are Reliable 19:32 - The Still-Face Experiment: What Happens When a Parent Goes Emotionally Blank 22:44 - How Kids Cope: Performing, People-Pleasing, Drinking, Managing 25:00 - You Notice Others' Tension Before Your Own (And Why) 27:41 - What Secure Attachment Actually Looks Like in a Family 30:12 - Breaking Generational Patterns: Why Knowledge Alone Isn't Enough 33:43 - How to Apologize to Your Kids the Right Way 38:08 - Fighting in Front of Your Kids: What the Research Actually Says 43:12 - The Moment He Turned the Lens Inward (And Why Relationships Are the Boot Camp) 47:05 - Your Kids Are Heat-Seeking Hovercrafts for Whatever Is Unhealed in You 51:33 - Why This Research Is Now Accessible (And Why It Wasn't Before) 55:22 - What We Bring Into Relationships When We Don't Have a Healthy Sense of Self 59:42 - The Book: A Guidebook for Parents Who Didn't Have Secure Modeling Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Transcript

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0:00.0	We have a tendency to seek out relationships that feel familiar.
0:04.0	So if you grew up in a home where inconsistency was your lived experience and you meet someone else in the world who's inconsistent,
0:10.0	you have this instinct to find them like a home.
0:13.0	It's like this makes sense to me, right?
0:15.0	Which is why it's so hard to heal from this stuff is because what we grew up with becomes the template that we tend to seek out, even if it's the opposite of what we actually need to heal.
0:23.6	What if the way that you show up in relationships today was decided before you even knew how to speak?
0:30.6	Let me ask you something. Have you ever pushed the way to love that you say that you want?
0:35.6	Or maybe felt more drawn to someone who
0:37.5	confuses you versus making you feel really safe. Why does the right person sometimes feel boring?
0:42.5	Most people think they have a relationship problem, but what if it started much earlier and how
0:46.8	you were loved growing up? Nearly half of the people did not experience a secure way to feel seen
0:52.3	or supported. This means that many of us are entering
0:55.3	relationships, not just looking for love, but something we never really truly received. We feel the
1:01.1	patterns, the anxiety, the overthinking, the need for reassurance, and then we shut down. What if the body
1:06.4	learned how to survive before you even understood it In this episode, we break down deeper patterns behind
1:12.0	your attachment, your emotional wounds, and why your nervous system reacts the way that it does.
1:17.8	You're going to understand why you crave connection, but sometimes fear it, why chaos can feel
1:22.1	more exciting than peace, and how your childhood shape your relationships, and more importantly,
1:27.3	you're going to learn how to break the pattern.
1:28.8	If you ever wondered why love feels complicated and what you have to do to find a new sense of self in relation to your loved one, listen to this episode.
1:35.9	All right, everyone, very special guests. You know I love talking about relationships, parenting, generational healing, breaking generational wounds.
1:44.6	And a lot of you, this is the opportunity to do it.
	...

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