Hi, you're listening to Small Things Often from the Gottman Institute, where we talk you through

research-based tips to help improve your relationships in five minutes or less.

Today's tip is about not cheering your partner up. Yes, you heard us correctly. We know that if

your partner is upset for any reason, your first impulse is to fix, to care

for, to make it better, to get rid of any negative emotions they may be feeling.

But before you do, stop, because sometimes that's not what they need at all.

Really?

Yes.

Here's an example.

Say your partner just told you that the promotion that they were positive they were going to receive went to someone else. They're filled with

emotions. From anger to hurt to disappointment to sadness, they begin telling you everything about it.

And immediately you chime in to say, don't be sad. They're a bunch of idiots.

It's a natural response, we know, to try to neutralize or fix your partner's feelings when you see

them in such emotional pain. But it's probably not what they need from you at this moment.

What they do need is empathy. And that's tricky, because empathy isn't about lifting your partner's

spirits or fixing their problem. It's about validating their emotions. So how do you do this? First,

listen to them. Really listen. Offer words of understanding and support instead of offering advice. Don't try to cheer

them up or problem solve. It's not your responsibility to alleviate their pain, even though sometimes

it may feel like it. Instead, allow them to feel what they need to feel and validate those emotions.

For instance, if they say they're incredibly angry, you might reply, I understand.

I would be so angry too. Or if your partner expresses hurt over losing the promotion, you might say,

I can totally see why you're feeling that way. Then ask questions, like, is there more to this?

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