You're listening to Life Kit from NPR.

Hey, it's Mariel. I want you to raise your hand if you've been personally victimized by dating apps.

Yeah, that's a mean girl's reference. I am a millennial. Sue me. But seriously, why is it that so many people hate dating apps?

Absolutely hate them, but still feel like they have to be on them.

I recently just did a talk in New York and a lot of people. It was on relationship science

and the factors of interpersonal attraction. This is relationship scientist and marriage and family therapist Marissa Cohen. I had a line of people that came up to me at the end of the talk and they were saying, feel like I have to be on the apps. It feels like everyone is needing that way or there's the expectation that I could only find my partner using this approach. Now, we've done a whole episode on how to date outside of the apps, and I'm a

big proponent of that, but a lot of people still want to try them. And as Marissa puts it, they can be an access point, a way to meet people that you wouldn't otherwise. There's going to be some that you click with, some that you don't, and some that you certainly just like do not want to have ever cross paths with. But it seems like the key is keeping the apps in perspective.

They are not the only way you can meet people.

They are not a second job you're supposed to take on.

You can get addicted to them.

And you may be using them for the wrong reasons.

You think and say you're looking for a romantic connection,

but actually you're looking for validation,

or you got sucked into the game.

On this episode of Life Kit, I talked to Marissa about how to have a healthier relationship

with dating apps if you are going to use them. We'll talk about how to set boundaries for

yourself around the apps, how to be clear about what you want,

and waste as little time as possible in the dating app messaging vortex, and we'll also go through

the signs that your app use is becoming unhealthy. That's coming up after the break. When I was using the apps, I noticed that I felt drawn in by them in a similar way that I feel drawn in by my phone in general, that they can have an addictive quality. And I would

often find myself swiping mindlessly and also just feeling bad after every time I opened the app.

100%. I mean, dating apps, just like with any other app, it's gamified. You know, you'll get

notifications maybe, depending upon what app you're using, someone sent youified. You know, you'll get notifications maybe depending upon what

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