Are you with someone right now where maybe they're the love of your life or maybe the relationship is completely doomed to fail? Well guys, ask your partners these nine questions and I promise you'll know if your relationship will last or not. Now let's get into it. Would you trust me in a room full of people who are flirting and trying to hit on me? Alright guys, this question is so important because trust is everything. Without trust, I don't honestly see how the hell you're going to have a long lasting relationship. And this question is very specifically pinpointing whether they trust you. Because here's the thing, I can't bloody help if someone hits on me or not, I can't help or have anything to do with other people trying to flirt with me. And the same with my husband, I can't help if other, I can't have any influence on if a woman is flirting with my husband or not. So me worrying about that is actually energy wasted because I can't control it. But what I can control is am I with someone that I can trust that if this came up, if someone flared with my husband, if somebody did everything they possibly could to entice him, that no matter what, even if they stripped down to their, guys, that my husband is the type of person that I can trust to turn around to them and say, sorry, I'm married. That's it. Because I can't, we get so hooked on the jealousy part of what the other person is trying to do to our partner. The person is texting my boyfriend, the person is reaching

out to my husband. Whatever that is, we focus on the other person, but here's the thing, you can't break in control of them. So, in a situation where my husband could get away with it, where someone is flirting with him so much, where someone goes up to him and says, hey, I know that you're married. Don't worry. I'll never tell Lisa.

Do I trust him in that moment to say, sorry, I'm married? That's the question you have to ask. So, does my husband trust me? Do I trust him? Period. That's what you need to get to. Now, as an example of how bad jealousy can be, my girl Sarah Jakes Roberts shares a story that is so freaking intense of what jealousy can lead to and how badly it can fracture your relationship. Let's take a listen. So, all right, I'm going to try and abbreviate it, but I married before, and I had this moment where I was walking out of Child Protective Services, which is a government agency created to make sure that children are protected at home. The reason why I was at CPS is because my, in my previous relationship, he brought someone to our home, and I was cooking dinner, and this girl was waiting in the car for him to finish with dinner so that they could like go on a date. Of course, he didn't tell me she was outside. I discovered it. I was like, your car is still running so I creep outside. I see she's in the car. I'm like, what are you doing with my husband and she was like, we're kicking it and I was like kicking it. My mind just left the building.

I am enraged. I get in this car. I'm rammed to vehicle over and over and over again until the police come. The police is like, what's happening here? I'm like, my husband brought his girlfriend to my house and I didn't know how to handle that. And he was like, I can see how that could happen. He's like, I'm not going to arrest you, but you are going to have to go to CPS because this is

probably not the best environment for your children. So I'm walking out of the CPS office. And now this fear that I've had since I became a mother is that I wasn't good enough, that I wasn't a good mom, that I was a bad mom, that I had no business having children. All of this This has become a reality. My motherhood is in question because of an action that I made. And I realized in that moment when I was walking out of CPS that the relationship was a symptom. It was not the disease. It was a symptom of an insecurity that started long before I met the person that even the toxic nature of the relationship wasn't just one sided, that I brought my own poison and my own willingness to hurt or betray someone in order to get this prize into the relationship. And I had to ask myself, how did you lower your standards? How did you come to this place where you were willing to? Because he was in a relationship when I met met him Or you were willing to hurt another woman in order for you to have a relationship with someone else like what what's Happening with you. We don't like to say this but it's like what what's wrong? What's wrong? How did we get here and when I began to see it as a symptom and not the disease I realized that I had been ingesting all of these thoughts that changed my identity so much so that the only thing I wanted was someone who was a reflection of what I already believed about myself. And I decided that I didn't want to believe that about myself anymore. I can remember saying, I can do better than this. I can do better than this. And every day I just woke up and I thought I can do better than this and so I started doing better. And I feel like even now I am in this space where I'm like I can do better than this and that road to better allowed me to encounter my husband. It allowed me to start blogging and writing and connecting with other women, but it all started with I can do better than this. What's the one thing you value so much that you would put it before me? Oh, guys, I know this is really hard and I know as I probably read it out, some of you are just like, what do you mean? Like, isn't a partnership this supposed to put you first? Well, kinda. So here's the thing with me and Tom, we actually asked this question and his answer when, when I said, what is something that's so important to you, that you would

put before me, his answer was his ambition. Now let's actually break that down. Before you get emotionally triggered, before you start to react to the fact that now you feel less special, take a down pause, people, take a down pause, take a deep breath and don't make it about you. Step number one, don't make it about you. Listen. So when I started to listen to my husband, that he was saying, actually, my ambition is something I'm going to put before you. Before I took it personally, before I thought that that was a dent on me, we just talked about it. And what ended up concluding was his ambition. and I'm just gonna say mine now too, but his ambition was so important as part of who he is, who he fundamentally is as a man, as a human, is part of him. And so now, if I asked for him to give up his ambition, if I asked for him to put his ambition second, do you think he can actually show up in our relationship with all the joy and happiness and strength and commitment and focus that I would want him to? No. If I asked him to put me before his ambition, you know what's going to happen guys? He would start to resent me. Not because it's something he really likes to do. Because he's vocalised, it's actually part of who he is. Now I want to flip that back and say, think about it from your perspective. Pause for a second and ask yourself, what is that thing that is so fundamentally you? And even if you love someone to your core, it would be a detrimental act for them to ask you to stop doing it. It would be a detrimental act for them to ask, for you to put them before this thing that makes you you. And so just like I speak off about freaking my own rights to whom who I am as a woman, to always ask my husband to never ask me to dull myself down for the sake of our relationship, I absolutely need to give him space to have that same response. Because you better believe if he said to me, babe, tell your enthusiasm down, dull your spirit down and put me first because you know what you put so much time and energy into showing up and being a badass but actually you put that before me. Do you think him asking that of me is going to set me up as an individual with success, with strength, with confidence, and then do you think it's actually inviting a very strong confident partner into the relationship? No. So I'm going to come back to. Don't take the fact that maybe they put something, they value something ahead of you. In fact, I now encourage it. Since me and my husband had this very discussion, I encourage his ambition, because I know who he's gonna be when he shows up with that space to be ambitious, to have that value respected. Like, I literally respect that he is ambitious. And so you can imagine his response is with open arms. He greets me and what is important to me about being a female badass with utter grace and he greets me with open arms too. So, even though these questions are very specifically to say to your partner to see how they respond, it is imperative you also are able to answer them. So, people for the love of God, make sure you give your partner space to speak about what else they value apart from you. And then you'll find that it just makes for a beautiful relationship. What's the one thing that I could do to make you reconsider our entire relationship? Now guys, it actually doesn't matter if you're on the first day, if you're seriously into the relationship, or if you've married and you've been with them for 20 years like me and my husband. There are things, don't fool yourself, there are things that are non-negotiables. Now, the question is, are you open and talking about those

non-negotiables? I think it is imperative that you tell your partner what those are, so that you know that idea is to set your relationship up for success, not to trap them, or to trick them and be like, ah, I knew you're going to cheat the relationship so much. I don't know. Just let them know at the beginning. Hey, just to let you know, if you cheat, I'm out the door. You're setting yourself and your relationship up for success.

I'm gonna keep repeating it guys.

The idea, the whole point about these questions is to set the relationship up for success. So I want to know what is that thing? What is that thing that I could do that could actually make this relationship end? So that at least I know. Now the power is in my hands if I do this thing I'm very aware of the consequences. It's kind of like the law. If you steal then the consequences are you're going to go to prison. So knowing that actually may help you decide whether you should steal or not. I'm going to do you out there but you get the gist. So with me, my husband, it was imperative

we asked this question from the freaking get-go. So I'm just gonna tell you, my two non-negotiables that I was so profoundly clear with my partner, with my husband about if you did either of these, I think I may have even said it on like the fifth day, as I started to realize, are we getting serious? I was like, why wait, wait, before you go anywhere else,

before we do anything else, I'm just gonna tell you.

Oh. I may have even said it on like the fifth day as I started to realize, are we getting serious? I was like, wait, wait, wait,

before you go anywhere else,

before we do anything else, I'm just gonna tell you, oh, by the way, if you cheat on me, if you cheat on me, I'm gonna be so clear. I'm out the fricking door, and just to be abundantly even more transparent because I wanna say you are for success, I'm not saying this is a threat.

I'm saying this as a way to set us up for success.

So I'm just saying this is a threat. I'm saying this as a way to set us up for success. So I'm just going to be very clear. If you did she even remotely, which means even kissing another woman on the lips. If you did this, I won't even sit and hear you explain. It's going to be clear. If you cheated on me in any which way, you don't get a chance to explain to me. You don't get a chance to give me a reason. And so I just need you to know that. Because if I found out, I would literally pack my bags. I would disconnect every contact from you and I would be out the door. And so again, I say him off of success. Now he just absolutely knows. These are the parameters. If you cross him, I'm out the door. The second one, just being abundantly clear. If you ever lay a hand on me. Now look, the truth is I would be very upset. If you called me a bitch, I would be very upset if you said some really cool mean things to me. But I actually don't know if that's a non-negotiable or not. To be honest, I think that sometimes we say things that we regret and so kind of giving someone a bit of a buffer like that. Like I do think that there's certain things I could get over. But physical abuse. I'm just going to lay it out. Physical abuse is not accepted. So when we're talking about the thing that you could do that can make me reconsider our entire relationship, even now guys, I just said I'm celebrating my 20 year wedding anniversary. If tomorrow all of a sudden for whatever reason I got into a row with my husband and he physically abused me. I would pick up my staff, I would disconnect from everything to do with him and I would walk out of that door. Now look, I am not putting judgment on anyone else. You need to assess what that thing is for you so you can answer this question and your partner needs to assess what that thing is for them. So they can answer. I'm not saying to do what I do, but it will be beautiful and imperative to ask this question and answer it so that you can set yourself up and your teammate for success, when I see teammate, I mean your partner. So you can set them up for success because even after 20 years, if someone abused me, if he did a backhand, sorry, Adios, I got my stuff, I'm out the door without discussion. I don't care how mad you are. I don't care if someone just stabbed your own parent. You do not ever have an excuse or a reason to lay a finger on me. Period. And there you go. 20 years later, neither of those things have happened. And so it is important to know those parameters and be honest. And that's why guys, you have to freaking ask this question. And one of my favourite relationship experts, the Matthew Hussie, my homie, talks about this very thing. Let's take a listen a listen everyone fights for a relationship based on potential it's based on what they think it could be even that person that you know but I love them what they're fighting for is their vision of what the relationship could be right or should be or should be but in their mind it's still yeah like it but we love each other so much. This should be the most amazing thing ever. Well, let's look at what it is. In the early stages of dating, it's actually very important that we miss crucial opportunities to see what the relationship is. If we lung in with attacks and accusations instead of letting someone know what we're feeling and asking them kind but honest questions, we don't really see what's going on because they feel attacked, their defenses go up. What we really need to do is say I'm going to learn more about this person's intentions either because I don't feel they're trying hard enough or as much as me or because they just did something that I don't feel was very nice. I'm going to learn more about what's behind it. And that is going to provide me with information. Acknowledge that there's a gap. There's a gap between where I want things to be and where they are. Highlight the gap in a in a classy and tackful way. Look at whether this person acknowledges the gap because it's usually the sign of a toxic relationship if the gap can't even be acknowledged. What are you talking about? I'm trying to as much as you and if you're like, you're really not. Like, I'm clearly making many more sacrifices than you are doing, think of you way more than you think of me, do more than you do for me. Like, if you know, there really is a gap and it is not being acknowledged at all, that there is no sense of someone being able to look at themselves honestly and go, okay, you're right, if they try and make you crazy, that's a form of toxic behavior.

But can they acknowledge the gap? That's the first step.

Now, that's a positive sign if they can. You can work with that, right?

Ah, this is actually a sign of a healthy relationship.

I've brought something up. They didn't make me feel stupid

for bringing it up and being vulnerable and revealing or wound, but that alone isn't enough because someone could say, I get it, you're right, I'm going to do better. And then a month from now, nothing's changed. And that's where you have to say, it's one thing that someone is acknowledging the gap but acknowledging and being able to deliver are two very different things and the fourth step is noticing whether the gaps being reduced. What's the one thing you think I don't have your back on? Oh guys this is gonna be really really hard because it doesn't matter what they say, it's going to sting. Like there is nowhere to go with this question. The answer will sting. So you have to buy golly guys, you have to want. You really really have to want to know the answer to this. You really have to want to because No matter what they say, it's gonna feel like a stab in the freaking heart. Do really have to want to, because no matter what they say, it's going to feel like a stab in the freaking heart. Do you have to want to know? So here's a thing for me. I want. Probably, more than anything in this world. I have to say, I'm going to carry out it, but I say probably. I want my partner to win. Period. I want him to win. I want him to win in life. I want him to be happy. I want him to feel good about himself. So you better believe if there's an area where he doesn't feel supported, I want to know. Now look that isn't that doesn't mean that I'm doing it deliberately. And you want your partner to know that whatever they're going to say, you're going to have it. That you want to know so badly as a reveal of how can I be a better partner to you? Which is why I'm going to go back to you. You just have to decide originally, guys, do you want your partner to win? If you can answer yes, then I think that you're going to be very brave and you can handle asking this question. But if the answer is, I want him to win, but not in spite of me winning. Oh, then I'm just going to be freaking on this guys. I don't know how you answer this question without getting into an argument and without getting defensive. And let's face it, being defensive won't serve you. It won't get you to have the beautiful communication that I'm trying to echo in this whole episode. So if you've answered, yes, I want my partner to win. Now you're willing to listen. Now my instinct guys is to defend myself. I wanna feel like I'm the best frickin' wife on the planet. So I already know in asking this question, I gotta zip it. Like I actually have to tell myself whatever he says Lisa, you're going to want to defend yourself. It's an emotional reaction. So you need a plan that you can give them space to actually answer it. So for me, I just know that I self, know that I self. So for me, know that I self means I actually realise whatever he's going to say, I'm going to get defensive. Why? Because I want to feel like an amazing wife.

Alright, well now I've got my, I know how I'm going to act, I know my wife and so now I'm just going to come up with a strategy to mitigate that. And my strategy is to stay quiet. Literally my strategy is don't speak Lisa, so that you can give them space to say it. Then, the second thing I do is I remind myself why I'm asking the question in the first place,

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